Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Although Pat Lykos never actually made herself very familiar with an actual courtroom during her tenure as District Attorney, she does seem to be making herself quite comfortable by appearing in front of the Commissioners' Court these days.

Two weeks ago, there was an appearance before the Commissioners' Court that had something to do with the salary levels of some support staff within the Office.  There are some reports that at tomorrow's meeting, she may be making a similar appearance in regards to tinkering with prosecutorial salaries.  There is some confusion and controversy about what those appearances are designed to accomplish, so I'm not posting about them quite yet.

What is very clear on tomorrow's Commissioners' Court agenda is item 14(d), which is a request for money that reads:

$17,108 to reimburse Stephen Scott Morris for legal expenses incurred in connection with an investigation and court proceedings in the 185th District Court.

Morris, if you will recall, was one of two prosecutors and two court reporters who were ordered to appear in a Show Cause Hearing in front of Judge Susan Brown when it was alleged he and the others had unlawfully come into possession of some Grand Jury transcripts on a proceeding the Harris County District Attorney's Office had been recused from.  A contempt action was considered and ultimately dismissed against Morris, Carl Hobbs and the two court reporters.

During the pendency of the Show Cause proceedings, Morris was represented by Randy and Josh Shaffer.  Apparently their bill to Morris was so significant that Lykos is asking you, the taxpayer, to help him out on it.

Now, let's take a look at a couple of thoughts that may spring to mind here.  I suppose an initial reaction to this might be: "Well, if the case against him was ultimately dismissed, then he deserves to be reimbursed for any money he had to spend.  He's not guilty of anything, right?"


Well, that's a lovely thought, and wouldn't it be nice if every time a case was dismissed or a defendant was found not guilty, the government reimbursed the Accused for his or her attorney's fees?  It seems only right, doesn't it?

Yeah, that never happens.

I mean, ever.

So, it seems pretty disingenuous to me that you have an employee (and lawyer of the very Agency in charge of prosecuting people) wanting reimbursement when he finds himself prosecuted.  All of those other folks that get prosecuted and then get their cases dismissed (or are found not guilty) still have to pay their legal bills, but that type of thing is just unseemly if you are a prosecutor.

The absurdity of the idea that Lykos would even approach the Commissioners' Court and ask them for money to repay the expenses of a debacle that her Office created and perpetuated is astounding.    

Every day, hundreds of people get charged with crimes by the simple accepting of charges by an Assistant District Attorney sitting at intake when a cop call in.  As a result, they may lose their jobs, their homes, their spouses, and tons of money.  If Steve Morris is getting reimbursed for his fees, then every last person who pays for their own attorney should get the same benefit.

Do you think that Roger Clemens is going to be getting money back from the government to help him pay Rusty Hardin's bill?  He was found not guilty after all.

Of course not.

But Roger Clemens' tax dollars will certainly be helping pay for Steve Morris' legal fees if the Lykos Administration gets its way.

An Interesting Docket Entry

Anyone who wants to take a look at the 185th District Court's docket for Monday morning, November 7th might be surprised to see some familiar names on the list.  Most notably, The State of Texas vs. Carl Hobbs and The State of Texas vs. Steve Morris for Ex Parte Proceedings known as "Show Cause" Hearings.  Additionally, there are two Grand Jury court reporters also on the docket for the same reason.

What "Show Cause" hearings typically deal with are people (lawyers or otherwise) who have been or are possibly about to be held in Contempt of Court.

If you will remember, Steve Morris (the Harris County District Attorney's Office Bureau Chief for the Governmental Integrity Bureau), and Carl Hobbs (the DA's Office Division Chief over Grand Jury) were two of the three prosecutors who were kicked out of the 185th's Grand Jury two weeks ago under threat of arrest.

What exactly they are being called to the 185th on Monday for is something that I'm not sure about.  I've heard rumors from multiple people, but I'm not in a position to confirm or deny anything at the moment.

But I think that if you have two of the three prosecutors involved in the original 185th Grand Jury incident coupled with two Grand Jury court reporters, one might be able to read between the lines that the District Attorney's Office has clashed, yet again, with the Grand Jury.

Keep your eyes on this one, folks.

I think Monday is going to be an interesting day.

Pat Lykos' Star Chamber Rebels

On Wednesday, October 19th, the 14th Court of Appeals denied a Motion that Harris County District Attorney Pat Lykos hopes to God that you don't pay attention to.  However, if you simply must look at it, I suppose you can get to the decision by clicking here.

The case is styled "In Re the State of Texas, Ex Rel. Patricia R. Lykos v. Hon. Susan Brown, Presiding Judge, 185th District Court of Texas" and is filed as "Request for Emergency Stay of Grand Jury Proceedings."

Sound interesting?  Well, it is.  Very interesting.

By reading the District Attorney's Office "request" and the supporting memorandums of HCDA General Counsel John Barnhill and Grand Jury Division Chief Carl Hobbs, a very clear picture of Lykos' attempt to extract vengeance against Amanda Culbertson emerges.

First, a little background.  As I talked about in this post earlier this month, the District Attorney's Office is very very upset with former-HPD technical supervisor, Amanda Culbertson. Ms. Culbertson used to be in charge of making sure that the Intoxilyzers over at HPD were all in credible, working order.

We don't want an Intoxilyzer showing your breath test results as a .14 when really you were a .07, do we?

Ms. Culbertson had some issues with the HPD Mobile "B.A.T." vans that had portable Intoxilyzers in them.  She thought the conditions the B.A.T. van Intoxilyzers were being stored in could affect their reliability.  She told her supervisors.  Her supervisors didn't care.  She quit HPD and went to work for Lone Star College, doing the same technical supervising, but now for County Law Enforcement Agencies.  Culbertson let people know that she left HPD because of her issues with the B.A.T. vans, and that put all of the District Attorney's DWI cases that involved those vans in serious jeopardy.

That made Pat Lykos angry.  She got the Commissioners Court to cancel the contract with Lone Star College so that the District Attorney's Office would never ever ever have to deal with that damn Amanda Culbertson again.

Did that satisfy Pat Lykos?  Nope.  She wants Amanda Culbertson indicted, too.  Amanda seems to have pissed off Lykos in a way that even I have failed to do in my three and a half years of blogging!

Which brings us to the 14th Court of Appeals filing.

Lykos is having her prosecutors present a case to the Grand Jury involving the B.A.T. vans and Amanda Culbertson.  That Grand Jury was created by the 185th District Court, Judge Susan Brown presiding.  Grand Jury proceedings are secret, so we don't know what exactly has been presented to the Grand Jury so far.

But on October 18th,  the Harris County District Attorney's Office vendetta against Amanda Culbertson blew up in their face.

On that day, prosecutors Carl Hobbs, Steve Morris (from Governmental Integrity), and John Barnhill all marched down to the 185th Grand Jury with the intent of calling defense attorney (and former-prosecutor) Brent Mayr as a witness before the grand jurors.  Brent Mayr, if you will recall from my earlier post, is the attorney who filed a Writ against the D.A.'s Office for withholding evidence of B.A.T. van reliability issues.

Upon arrival at the Grand Jury, however, Hobbs, Morris, and Barnhill were suddenly informed by the Grand Jury bailiffs that the Grand Jurors wanted them (the prosecutors) excluded from the room while Mayr was testifying.

In legal terms, the proper response to this is "Holy Catfish, Batman."

Prosecutors are always in the room with Grand Jurors when they are interviewing witnesses.  The only part they are excluded from in a Grand Jury is when the grand jurors deliberate.  The Grand Jurors excluding the prosecutors from the testimony is kind of the equivalent of the President being booted out of a Cabinet meeting.  It just doesn't happen.  I mean, ever.

Hobbs, Morris and Barnhill were incensed, obviously.  Hobbs and Barnhill quickly gathered up 1st Assistant Jim Leitner and stormed up to Judge Susan Brown's court to demand that she order the Grand Jury to let them back into the room while Mayr testified.

Judge Brown politely declined to order the Grand Jury to do anything.  Thus, the Motion (or Request) to the 14th Court of Appeals that would make the Court of Appeals order Judge Brown to order the Grand Jurors to let the prosecutors in the room.

To realize that significance of this, you have to read between the lines (but just a little bit).

The 185th Grand Jury has quite apparently decided that the Harris County District Attorney's Office's involvement into the crucifixion of Amanda Culbertson B.A.T. Van investigation is suspect, if not entirely improper.  They don't want them in the room while hearing from witnesses.

And that has got Hobbs, Barnhill, Leitner, and Pat Lykos scared.  Really scared.  So scared that they are scrambling very quickly to Judge Brown or the 14th Court of Appeals to demand that they get to jump in and stop whatever is going on.  Seriously.  Go read Barnhill and Hobbs' memorandums to the 14th Court of Appeals.

From Barnhill's:

Just prior to being escorted out of the grand jury room by the bailiff, I observed the bailiff in her office and overheard the bailiff speaking in a telephone conversation.  The bailiff said to the person on the phone, "They told me to arrest the DAs."  From that, I assumed that the grand jury had instructed the bailiffs to arrest Mr. Hobbs, Mr. Morris and me if we remained in the grand jury room while the grand jury was attempting to question the witness.

The implication being that the 185th Grand Jury may have started their own investigation, and it ain't into Amanda Culbertson.

It may just be into Pat Lykos and the Harris County District Attorney's Office.

Remember back in that last post when I said this may just be the tip of the iceberg?

I hate to say "I told you so," but . . .  Wait, no I don't.  I told you so.

Watch for this story to get a lot bigger in the days to come.

UPDATE:  Ted Oberg did a great piece on the Grand Jury Scandal.  Check it out by clicking here.

Next Prediction

Okay, so for my last prediction, I guessed that the contempt hearings for two prosecutors and two court reporters would be delayed with a Motion to Recuse.

I was right about that.

I also predicted that this morning's proceedings would be interesting.

I was kind of wrong about that.  They were actually pretty dull and filled with bench conferences that most of the audience could not hear.

So, here is what I was able to gather from the morning events.  It was a very packed courtroom with members of the media, the defense bar, and the prosecution occupying every available seat.  Jim Leitner and John Barnhill were there.  Pat Lykos was not.  Special Prosecutors Jim Mount and Stephen St. Martin were present, but not directly involved in the bench conferences.

Randy and Josh Shaffer were there on behalf of Steve Morris.  Bill Hawkins was there for Carl Hobbs.  Brad Beers was there for both court reporters.  Hawkins, Beers, and the Shaffers conferenced with Judge Brown for lengthy periods of time.  My understanding is that Brad initially filed a Motion to Recuse Judge Brown, but then withdrew it.

At some point during the hearing, it was pointed out that on the day that Hobbs, Morris and Shaffer were kicked out of the Grand Jury, Judge Brown told one of the court reporters to just make a record of any testimony taken that day.

Nothing wrong with that.  She was just saying "keep a record and we'll figure out what needs to be done with it later."

But, in doing so, she made herself a fact witness.  That doesn't mean she did anything wrong.  She did the right thing by instructing that a record be kept.  However, it does probably mean that she shouldn't be presiding over the Show Cause hearing, because she is, potentially, a fact witness.

So, Judge Brown did the prudent thing and recused herself from hearing it.  It will now go to another Judge to hear.  I don't know who and I don't know when.

But I have a prediction.

My guess is that there is some ambiguity surrounding the circumstances of when the record of testimony was made and when the District Attorney's Office came into possession of it.  If there is ambiguity, that probably means that nobody is going to be held in contempt.

So, I would guess that once this case lands in front of a new judge that the new judge will not find anyone in contempt and this entire situation will blow over.  As far as the contempt charges go, this whole episode will fade away.

But the 185th Grand Jury will keep marching on.

Has Leitner finally left the Building?

After sharing more false reports and wrong information than Brian Wice at a Vegas Sports Book, it appears that Jim Leitner has finally left his post as First Assistant at the Harris County District Attorney's Office.

According to multiple reliable sources, Leitner worked his last actual day at the Office earlier this week and is taking today and Friday off.  His "official" last day is Friday.

Now, knowing how much Jim loves to read this blog, he may very well go reapply for his position just to spite me.

Or there may be a lot of D.A.'s who will be getting to see their former supervisor across the bench from them in court on Monday morning.

He joins John Barnhill, Steve Morris, Don McWilliams, Carl Hobbs, Angela Salazar, and Joni Vollman  as yet another top Lykos Administration Official making their departure as her tenure comes to a close.

Of Rats, Sinking Ships, and Shredders

There have been some interesting things going on over at the Harris County District Attorney's Office as Pat Lykos' tenure as a one-term District Attorney comes to a close.

As we approach the November election when Republican Mike Anderson will face off against Democrat and former multiple-indictee Lloyd Oliver, we have yet to see Lykos come out and lend her support and encouragement to Judge Anderson's campaign.  That's kind of interesting, seeing as how Lykos touted her loyalty to the Republican Party as her chief strong suit in the May primary.  I suppose that her loyalty to the Republican Party only lasted as long as she was the candidate elected.

However, rather than doing all she can to support the Republican Candidate for District Attorney, Lykos has been busy doing, um . . . other things -- none of which seem to make much sense.

Last week, I received notice from several different sources that Lykos had done an outsource hiring of a company known as Shred Pro to shred some documents for the Office.  At first, I didn't think all that much of it -- it isn't so unusual for large entities to do some shredding from time to time.  Then again, most "large entities" aren't the Harris County District Attorney's Office and the vast majority of their documents aren't per se government records.

Rather than be an alarmist, I did a little checking around to see if, in the past, it was common practice for the District Attorney's Office to shred documents in such bulk as to require an outside vendor to do the shredding.  I learned that doing a little shredding from time to time did happen, but never in mass quantities and only after seeking the approval of the Texas Attorney General.

The next thing I did was file an open records request for anything referencing my name and/or Don Hooper's blog.  I was curious to know if the upper administration had ever actually put anything in writing about me or the Donner.  I'm pretty sure that they committed nothing to writing, but if they did, I wanted a copy of it before it hit the shredder.

However, the funny thing is that when I was talking to someone in upper admin about my request, I mentioned that I had heard there was some shredding going on.  That person said that they had heard the rumors of shredding happening, but had no idea where it had come from and didn't believe it to be true.

That kind of flew of in the face of this picture (which I had received about an hour earlier) of this machine on the 6th Floor.  NOTE: For those of you who are out of the loop, the 6th Floor is where Pat Lykos and her upper administration reside.

And this picture taken in the back sallyport.

Lykos' upper Administration is dropping like flies right now.  Former General Counsel John Barnhill left a month or so ago, as did Bureau Chief Steve Morris.  Chief Investigator Don McWilliams has turned in his notice that he'll be retiring on October 31st.  Special Crimes Head Joni Vollman has taken a job with the Texas Attorney General's Office that will begin in early November.  Additionally, Lykos' chief Administrative Assistant, Angela Salazar, left abruptly on October 5th for a job at the Medical Examiner's Office, but nobody is supposed to know about that.

And of course, we have the daily rumor that today really and truly is Jim Leitner's last day.  We really really mean it this time.

It isn't entirely unusual for an outgoing administration to start breaking apart and leaving before the end of their actual term of office, but things seem to look a little, well, unseemly, when all those departures are coupled with a shredding party.

I don't know what is going on over on the 6th Floor of the D.A.'s Office, but something tells me that the Rule of Law and the Administration of Justice left the building a long time ago.

Lykos 2012: The Final Chapter?

NOTE:  When last we left our heroes of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office at the end of 2011, Darth Lykos was still battling with the rebellious 185^th Grand Jury.  To clarify, this was the 1^st Grand Jury that was investigating Lykos.  Not the second one.  That was about time sheets.  Not the 3^rd one, either.  That one is about them investigating the 1^st one.  Oh never mind.  Just read on.

JANUARY

January 1 – As the new year begins, Lykos and the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight hope that a recent change in the laws will cause the 185^th Grand Jury to have their session mandatorily terminated, thus ending their pending investigation into the District Attorney’s Office.  When confronted that a lack of Grand Juries might also allow Capital Murderers to be released on bond, Lykos paraphrases the old adage that it is better for a thousand guilty men to go free than for one Pat Lykos to go to jail.

January 6-Angry Republican political activist, Gary Polland writes into this blog angrily denouncing an article claiming he was in political cahoots with self-proclaimed genius Donald Hooper.  He wraps up his comment with “nobody speaks for me but me.”  In May, as virtually none of the Republican candidates supported by Polland are elected, it is proven that Polland actually speaks for nobody but him, either.

January 17-District Attorney Pat Lykos testifies under subpoena before the 185^th Grand Jury.  Although the proceedings behind Grand Jury doors are secret, it is rumored that her testimony was cut short when she smoked a carton of filterless Camels until the grand jurors could no longer take being in the room with her.

January 31-The 185^th Grand Jury elects not to hand down any indictments for Pat Lykos, Rachel Palmer or any other members of the District Attorney’s Office  for their roles in the HPD B.A.T. Van scandal but issues a letter condemning their unethical behavior – calling it a “stain” on the Criminal Justice System.  Lykos condemns the letter, stating the only “stain” related to the investigation occurred when Leitner got his subpoena.

FEBRUARY

February 1-After almost a full 24 hours of no scandals coming from the Pat Lykos Administration, Channel 13's Ted Oberg reports that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner had ordered Chief Investigator Don McWilliams to conduct an investigation in the 185th Grand Jurors.  When asked for comment, Leitner can only respond with "Oh son of a . . ."

February 7-The Texas Rangers arrive at the Harris County District Attorney’s Office to begin an investigation into the Lykos Administration for their conduct relating to the 185^th Grand Jury.  Several days later, Lykos will claim that she personally requested the Rangers investigate her.  Additionally, she claims that she personally requested Ted Oberg to do an investigative report on her, as well as personally requesting that Murray Newman start his blog.

February 22-At a Houston fundraiser for former Harris County ADA David Hilburn, recent Lykos hire, David Benzion is discovered lurking in the parking lot.  Benzion who was allegedly hired to help “write grants” for the District Attorney’s Office lamely explains that he was not, in fact, following around Lykos’ opponent, Mike Anderson (who was attending the fundraiser).  Rather, he was researching a grant for valet parking at random establishments around town.

MARCH

March 10-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

March 20-At a public debate with Mike Anderson, Pat Lykos announces that possession of small amounts of drugs like cocaine and heroin is no longer illegal, contrary to the Penal Code and the working knowledge of any prosecutor who has ever tried a case.

March 29-Aspiring Democratic D.A. candidate Lloyd Oliver makes his now-legendary appearance on Reasonable Doubt where he voices his support for the idea of dismissing family violence assault cases and replacing them with boxing lessons.   Harris County residents now believe that the Mayan Apocalypse may have been based on the Doomsday Scenario of a Lykos vs. Oliver race in November.

APRIL

April 3-An ecstatic comedian Dave Chappelle sends Rachel Palmer a thank you note for increasing the views of this skit on the Internet over the past four months. 

April 13-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

April 22- When pressed on any additional policy changes that he would institute if elected, District Attorney candidate Lloyd Oliver announces that he would no longer prosecute Arson cases, and instead replace them with classes teaching people to stop, drop and roll.

MAY

May 2 – In a move that was long awaited, Rachel Palmer breaks her 5^th Amendment silence long enough to endorse Pat Lykos.

May 10- A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

May 28 – After a very long 3 years, 4 months, and 28 days, we all learned that Patricia R. Lykos would be gainfully unemployed on January 1^st.  A defiant Lykos announces that she actually asked the voters not to vote for her around the same time that she asked the Texas Rangers to investigate her.

May 29 – A heavy write-in campaign out of Houston begins to have this picture nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

JUNE

June 9-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

June 14-A hungry Pat Lykos drives to McDonald's for a Happy Meal.  While there, she offers to pay $2 million out of her Asset Forfeiture Fund for her food if they will agree to rename the restaurant McLykos'.

June 26 – The District Attorney’s Office asks for $17,108 from the Commissioners’ Court as reimbursement to Steve Morris for his legal fees incurred for his Show Cause hearing in 2011.  Following the precedent that ADAs can recover damages from the County, a class action request is filed with the Commissioners on behalf of all ADAs asking for $2.3 billion in restitution for pain and suffering endured during the Lykos Administration.

JULY

July 7-Pat Lykos comes down with a nasty summer cold.  She claims that this was not by accident, but that she asked her doctor to make her sick shortly after asking the Texas Rangers to investigate her.

July 22 – Mike Anderson and Lloyd Oliver have the first of their “debates” in which Lloyd Oliver blatantly states that Anderson’s donations are questionable.  Lloyd later clarifies that unless the money came from a cab driver, posing as a lawyer, picking up recently released inmates from the Harris County Jail and bringing them to his office, it was probably dirty.

July 30 - The series of false rumors that Jim Leitner is leaving the Office to become a defense attorney are explained when it is revealed that he has ordered an investigator with the Office to assist defense attorney Dick DeGuerin clear the name of convicted murderer David Temple.  As it turns out, Leitner was a defense attorney all along.  He was just pretending to be a prosecutor.  Thus the confusion.

AUGUST

August 8-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

August 20 – Harris County Democratic Party Leader Gerry Birnberg files a lawsuit to keep Lloyd Oliver off of the ballot as the Democratic Candidate for District Attorney in the November.  Harris County Republicans issue the following statement: "Wait.  We can do that?  Then why the hell have we been dealing with Pat Lykos for the past four years?"

August 26 – Local defense attorney Lisa Andrews brings the Harris County Probation under intense scrutiny after revealing during a hearing that lab technicians within the department had flawed urinalysis testing procedures when it came to drug screening.  Pat Lykos offers to donate $2 million in Harris County Asset Forfeiture money to the Probation Department to correct the problem on the condition that they rename it "Lykos' House of Urine."

SEPTEMBER

September 5 – Backed by a legal Dream Team of Ted Doebler, James Dyer and Don Hooper, Lloyd Oliver wins a legal challenge to the Democratic Party and is allowed to remain on the ticket in November.  An ecstatic Oliver states:  "Wow.  This is the first time I ever won anything by using that legal maneuvering stuff!"

September 10 – Pat Lykos uses $365,000 out of Asset Forfeiture money to put on a CLE hosted by the National College of District Attorneys.  Her initial plan had been to spend $2 million to fly the entire office to Hawaii for the CLE, but she backed out after Hawaiian officials refused her demand to rename the island of Kahoolawe after her.  "Damn, people," Lykos was quoted as saying.  "It's the smallest freaking island out of eight.  Am I really asking for too much here?"

September 11 - The National College of District Attorneys names Pat Lykos the Elected Prosecutor of the Year for Harris County, Texas in 2012.

September 22- A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

OCTOBER

October 4-Pat Lykos snubs local blogger Murray Newman by failing to attend his 40th birthday party.

October 19 – 1st Assistant Jim Leitner resigns from the Harris County District Attorney's Office.  Seriously.  I promise this time.  And in his farewell e-mail, he included a video of him bench pressing a lot of weights.  Really.  I am not making this up.  It was awesome.  It really happened.  

October 22 – In a surprise move, the Lykos Administration names former prosecutor Bill Hawkins to serve as interim 1st Assistant until the end of the Administration.  Additionally, former Investigator Walker McAnally is brought in to be Chief Investigator.  Murray Newman's application to be reinstated as the head of the Justice of the Peace Division is denied, however.

October 24 – Pat Lykos offers to donate $2 million in Asset Forfeiture money to the Harris County Forensic Institute of Science, which is apparently approved.  We look forward to seeing Pat's House of Cadavers coming to Harris County in the near future.

NOVEMBER

November 4 – Investigator Leon Wilson is promoted to Assistant Chief Investigator which is kind of like when there are only 2 minutes left in the game and you are down 72-0, so the coach just says “what the hell” and lets the bench warmers play. 

#RelivingPainfulHighSchoolFootballMemories

November 6 – Mike Anderson is elected Harris County District Attorney.  Local blogger Murray Newman announces the creation of a new blog: Life at the Montgomery County Criminal Justice Center.

November 16 – Reports circulate that a third Grand Jury is now reviewing the antics of the Pat Lykos Administration after Texas Rangers and Special Prosecutor Eric Nichols are spotted on the 3rd floor of the CJC.  A nonchalant Pat Lykos explains that she actually invited the grand jury to scare the crap out of her right before her term ended.

November 20 – The Harris County Sheriff's Office is granted $138,000 by the County Commissioner's to employ legal consultant, Jim Leitner.   Immediately after the money is approved, rumors begin circulating that Leitner will be resigning from the Sheriff's Office on Friday.

November 24 – The Houston Press names Lykos the Criminal Justice Turkey of the Year, finally allowing her to honestly refer to herself as an "award winning District Attorney."

November 26 – Former 1st Assistant Bert Graham returns to the District Attorney’s Office as part of Mike Anderson's transition team.  Lykos reluctantly allows Graham access to the building only on the condition that he rename himself "Bert Lykos."  As an added incentive, she offers to give him $2 million in Asset Forfeiture money.

DECEMBER

December 11 – Mike Anderson announces that 230th District Court Judge Belinda Hill will be the new 1st Assistant under his Administration.  Judge Hill, a highly respected Judge and former prosecutor brings more legal knowledge and character to the District Attorney's Office as an individual than the entirety of Lykos' Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight combined.

December 14 – Anderson introduces his new leadership team in a press conference and begins making adjustments to the personnel of the District Attorney's Office.  Shockingly, notorious 5th Amendment aficionado Rachel Palmer is not amongst those who are to be let go under the new administration.  When pressed for comment, Anderson states: "Well, hell, I had to leave Newman something to write about."

December 17 – Former HPD-lab technicians Amanda Culbertson and Jorge Wong file a Federal suit against Pat Lykos, Rachel Palmer, and Harris County.  A confident Pat Lykos announces that she asked Culbertson and Wong to sue her.

December 31 – After 4 years of inducing terror and misery, Pat Lykos finally slinks out of the building. However, most people don't believe that she is really gone for good because no witnesses can attest to having actually seen a bucket of water poured on her.

Lykos 2011: A Year in Review

JANUARY

January 12^th – An Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled after he is found safely in his office on the 6^th floor.  The alert had been issued on January 2^nd when he left for work and then was not heard from.  Greenwood explained that it always takes him 10 days to get to work.

FEBRUARY

February 10^th- An infuriated Pat Lykos denounces the release of a video of HPD officers beating a handcuffed and surrendering teenager, Chad Holley, to local media.  Although having campaigned on the platform of “transparency,” she declares that there are some things that the public should never get to see – kind of like they should never get to see her ever actually going to trial, having integrity, etc.

February 16^th – An attempted morale boosting exercise on the part of Misdemeanor Chief John Jordan goes horribly awry when local media learn of a reward system for guilty verdicts secured from misdemeanor prosecutors.  The reward of an afternoon of bowling meets with little complaint from the rank and file; however, the punishment of “Seven Minutes of Heaven” in a closet with Lykos for losing prosecutors causes an uproar.

MARCH

March 1^st – Daycare worker Jessica Tata flees the country to Nigeria before the District Attorney’s Office will agree to file charges on her for the deaths of four children in her care during a house fire.  D.A. Lykos angrily denounces HFD’s Fire Marshal for not filing charges earlier once she realizes that Tata’s frequent flier miles are not transferable to her in an asset forfeiture.

March 19^th – Pat Lykos amends the District Attorney’s Operations Manual to include a guideline on how ADAs must conduct themselves if participating in any campaigns during the 2012 elections.  Rule Number One is that no candidate may speak of any affiliation with Pat Lykos and the District Attorney’s Office.  Yeah.  Seriously.  Apparently the First Rule of Pat Lykos is that there IS no Pat Lykos.

March 21^st – Jessica Tata is apprehended in Nigeria.  She insists that she had not fled the country to avoid prosecution; rather, she had just “carpooled in” with Clint Greenwood, and it always takes him ten days to get from his house to the courthouse.

March 25^th – In response to mandatory budget cuts, the Lykos Administration tightens its belt on fiscal matters.  Several prosecutors and Administrative Assistants are terminated, and the solid gold statue of Lykos for the front lobby is trimmed down from 10 feet tall to a life-sized statue of 5’1.

March 29^th – County Court at Law # 4 Judge John Clinton finds himself in hot water for ordering conditions of probation that involve going to church, thus violating the separation between Church and State.  A supportive Pat Lykos rallies to Judge Clinton’s defense, pointing out that all of her upper-Administration are required to worship her or be burned at the stake, as dictated in the Bible.

APRIL

April 10^th – Another Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled when he is found safely in his office.  Greenwood had last been seen on April 1^st when he left the office to go to lunch.  Greenwood explains that it always takes him 10 days to get back to the office after lunch.

April 23^rd – After years of telling the Harris County Criminal Justice System how to do its job, Houston Chronicle columnist Rick Casey finally does a little background research and goes to jury duty.  He points out that all jurors that are struck for cause are “conscientious objectors against the war on drugs.”  Furthermore, based on the body language he is reading from the judge and the prosecutor, he can tell they oppose the drug war, too.  Then he remembers that he may have eaten one of his “special brownies” for breakfast.  This is further evidenced by the fact that the case he was observing was a traffic ticket appeal.

MAY

May 27^th – Pat Lykos hires Heather Ramsey Cook as Office’s new “Community Liason” officer, in lieu of hiring actual prosecutors to work at the Office.  Heather, who had initially come to the Office as part of the hastily assembled search party for Clint Greenwood, announces that she will be doing nothing political in her job.  Rather, she was only there to help citizens of the community communicate with Her Holiness Patricia R. Lykos, Patron Saint of Harris County.

JUNE

June 1^st – A Court of Appeals reverses the Criminally Negligent Homicide conviction of Jeri Montgomery, who had been convicted of causing a fatality accident while talking on her cellular telephone.  Pat Lykos, who had previously called Montgomery “selfish and narcissistic” in the newspapers, dispatches community liaison Heather Ramsey Cook to meet with Montgomery. Heather explains that what  Lykos had meant to call her was “awesome and pretty” but got misquoted.  Furthermore, Pat hopes she can still count on Montgomery’s vote in March 2012!

June 10^th – Longtime prosecutor Kevin Petroff resigns from Harris County to go to work for the Galveston County District Attorney’s Office.  Petroff explains the departure by saying that since he recently turned 16, he can now drive to Galveston on his own, without an adult passenger to supervise him on his learner’s permit.

JULY

July 17^th – Yet another Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled when he is again found safely in his Office.  Greenwood had been missing since July 7^th when he was last seen going to use the restroom.  Greenwood explained that it always takes him 10 days to get back to his office after using the restroom.

AUGUST

August 1^st – Allegations that HPD’s mobile “B.A.T. vans” are unreliable begin to pick up steam as possible Brady material in DWI cases.  The District Attorney’s Office remains unconcerned about the allegations, telling younger prosecutors, “It isn’t ‘Brady’ if nobody knows about it, now is it?”

August 3^rd – Defense attorney and proud veteran Pat McCann has his head shaved in the 228^th District Court, honoring a bet with participants in Veterans’ Court.  McCann had not shaved nor had a haircut in the 10 months preceding.  Local blogger Murray Newman is seen sweeping up the hair on the floor and heading back to his office with the hair and a bottle of super glue.

August 19^th – A video from Jersey Village high school days hits the internet, with a then-17-year-old Todd Dupont performing in a music video to the tune of Madonna’s Vogue.  A visibly rattled Dupont says,  “Oh thank God, it was just that video.  I was scared a different one was going to be released.”

SEPTEMBER

September 6^th – Longtime columnist for the Houston Chronicle, Rick Casey, leaves the newspaper.  Apparently writing columns with little to no research had become too exhausting.

September 7^th – Legendary icon of the Harris County Criminal Justice System, Rayford Carter passes away after a lengthy illness.   His passing officially makes Pat Lykos the oldest and most cantankerous defense attorney in the building.

September 28^th – Local defense attorney and Botox aficionado Brian Wice writes a controversial editorial in the Houston Chronicle criticizing prosecutors’ reactions to a Not Guilty verdict in the Michael Brown trial.  Wice’s original editorial, entitled “Hey!  I Was One of the Defense Attorneys On That Case Too!” was scrapped after fact checkers for the Chronicle could not confirm that it was Wice’s bald spot that appeared next to lead counsel Dick DeGeurin in all of the media coverage.

OCTOBER

October 4^th – The Harris County District Attorney’s Office lobbies to have Lone Star College’s contract with the county (for testing Intoxilyzers) cancelled after learning that former-HPD chemist Amanda Culbertson now works for them.  Lykos denies that the cancelling of the contract was retaliation for Culbertson whistle-blowing on the HPD “B.A.T." vans.  She also denies that cancelling her cable subscription was motivated because “Comcast still has that damn Channel 13 with that jackass Oberg” as part of their line-up.

October 21^st – The 185^th Grand Jury kicks Harris County prosecutors out of the room as they hear from witnesses regarding the B.A.T. van scandal.  Lykos and Crew angrily insist that there is a conspiracy of people out to get her because “they don’t like her.”  She then identifies the people involved in the conspiracy as Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the defense bar, and 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office.

October 24^th – Pat Lykos is caught trying to mislead ABC 13’s Ted Oberg in an interview, stating that she had never heard of any BAT van problems “from HPD’s crime lab.”  When called out on her deception, Lykos tries the old “Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct” maneuver, which fails miserably.  (NOTE:  Seriously, go back and watch the video of the interview.  It’s disturbing.)

October 26^th – Numerous prosecutors from the Harris County District Attorney’s Office are subpoenaed to appear before the 185^th Grand Jury.  District Attorney Pat Lykos refuses to go unless allowed to bring a “comfort item” while testifying.  That comfort item?  A carton of Camel filterless cigarettes.

NOVEMBER

November 2^nd – Pat Lykos testifies to the Grand Jury that she never sought to have Amanda Culbertson fired from Lone Star College for retaliatory reasons.  She also denies that the reason she attempted to have Ted Oberg fired from Channel 13 and Murray Newman fired from the Law Offices of Murray Newman was retaliatory, either.

November 7^th – Prosecutors Carl Hobbs and Steve Morris are brought before the 185^th District Court on a Show Cause hearing to explain why they were in possession of highly confidential Grand Jury transcripts from a proceeding that the District Attorney’s Office had been recused from.  Pat Lykos denies having anything to do with the unfortunate event and quickly cancels her idea to add G. Gordon Liddy and E. Howard Hunt to the D.A. Office payroll.

November 29^th – Numerous police unions including HPD’s and the HCSO’s hold a press conference to announce that they have “No confidence” in District Attorney Pat Lykos.  An angry Pat Lykos denounces the Unions as being part of the ever-growing “conspiracy” of people out to get her, which now includes Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the Defense Bar, 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office, Girl Scout Troops 3-17, her 3^rd cousin, Barney Lykos, and Rick, the guy who gives out M&Ms in front of the courthouse.

November 30^th – Judge Mike Anderson announces his candidacy for Harris County District Attorney.  An office memo from the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight is issued to the rest of the office, stating: “You better not let us catch any of you bastards smiling about this.”

In a related story, local blogger Murray Newman ponders the future of his blog if the D.A.’s Office is no longer run by a mean, ignorant, power-mad politician who gives him so much material to write about on a daily basis.

DECEMBER

December 13^th – A second Grand Jury asks for a Special Prosecutor to assist in investigating allegations of wrong-doing by Pat Lykos’ Harris County District Attorney’s Office.  An angry Lykos adds 232^nd Judge Mary Lou Keel to her list of people out to get her, along with the Police Unions, Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the Defense Bar, 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office, Girl Scout Troops 3-17, her 3^rd cousin, Barney Lykos, Rick, the guy who gives out M&Ms in front of the courthouse, Nick Lykos, the Reverend Billy Graham, and an actual partridge in a pear tree.

December 19^th – In an effort to keep from having to testify to the 185^th Grand Jury, Assistant District Attorney Rachel Palmer invokes her 5^th Amendment and subsequently files a Motion to Recuse Judge Susan Brown.  Palmer’s attorney, Clay Rawlings asks to continue the hearing for ten days to provide ADA Clint Greenwood his customary ten days needed to arrive at the courthouse so that he can testify.

December 21^st – Fresh off of being told by Judge Susan Brown that she did not have to talk to the 185^th Grand Jury, Rachel Palmer heads down to Channel 11 to talk to them.  In the interview, Palmer explains that the reason she invoked her 5^th Amendment rights in front of the Grand Jury had nothing to do with retaliating against Amanda Culbertson.  In actuality, Palmer states she just didn’t want to explain why she declared “sick time” on her time sheet when she was really in Dallas for a Hello Kitty Fan Club convention.

December 25^th – After a lackluster Christmas, Pat Lykos adds Santa Claus to the list of conspirators out to get her because they don’t like her.  As evidence of this conspiracy, Lykos provides photographs of Santa meeting with several members of Girl Scout Troops 3-17.

December 27^th – In an interview with local Republican blogger David Jennings, Pat Lykos insists that she has hired somewhere between 20 and 25 new prosecutors over the past several months.  Unfortunately, all of her three media relations people (Donna Hawkins, Heather Ramsey Cook and David Benzion) had been too busy doing “other things” to announce a move by the Office that actually had something to with the administration of Criminal Justice.

December 30^th – In a private ceremony held in Pat Lykos’ office on the 6^th floor of the CJC, Rachel Palmer is named Employee of the Year, given the Harris County District Attorney’s Medal of Valor, and then quietly shipped off to Appellate where she can spend the day doing nothing, along with other Lykos political beneficiary Lana Shadwick.

December 31^st – After learning that the 185^th Grand Jury will not be meeting again until the beginning of 2012, Pat Lykos declares that the official slogan for her re-election campaign will be:  “Indictment Free Through Years One, Two and Three!”