If Being a Football Coach was Like Being a Defense Attorney-Part 2: Talking to the Ref

REF:  Okay, so it is my understanding that one of your players wanted to talk to me, Coach?

COACH (Sighing Heavily):  Yes, Ref.   Against my advice.

REF:  Okay.  To avoid the appearance of impropriety, I've asked Chiefs' Coach Reid to join us.

PLAYER:  Good!  I want to talk to him, too.

COACH:  No, you don't.

PLAYER:  See what I'm dealing with here, Ref?

REF:  What seems to be the problem?

PLAYER:  So, basically, I want to win the game.

REF:  That's good.  Everyone should want to win their game.

PLAYER:  Yeah, but it's like Coach isn't even trying to help us.

REF:  What's going on?

PLAYER:  Well, he's saying that we're playing the Chiefs and that Chiefs are really good.

REF:  Well, obviously, as Referee, I don't know anything about how the game will turn out, but I do know that the Chiefs usually do play pretty well at home.

COACH:  That's what I was trying to tell him, Ref.

PLAYER:  I keep trying to tell him that I want to win and all he does is keep going on and on about "Patrick Mahomes is really good" and "You don't have a chance."

COACH:  I never said we didn't have a chance!

REF:  Sir, I've known your Coach for a very long time.  I've seen him win some tough games and I've seen him lose some tough games, but he does always try very hard to help his team win.

PLAYER:  I'm just not seeing it, Ref.  He didn't even ask Coach Reid if he would let us win.

REF:  Let you win?

COACH REID:  Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

PLAYER STARES AT COACH REID, INCREDULOUS.

PLAYER:  You let the Titans win.

COACH REID:  That was a tough game, but we did not just let them win.

PLAYER:  You let the Ravens win.

COACH REID:  We did not "let" the Ravens win.

PLAYER:  Look, I just to win for my family.  I've got a home that I need to make the mortgage on.  My mom is going to be watching the game.  My kids are coming.  I just need to win.

COACH:  We are going to try to win!  We have several things to work with.

PLAYER:  Can you guarantee me that we're going to win?

REF, COACH & COACH REID (in unison):  NO.

PLAYER:  Ref, can YOU make us win?  Maybe, tell Coach Reid that we have to win?

REF:  I'm not going to do that.  I'm the Referee.  I'm just here to make sure it is a fair game.

PLAYER:  I've been doing everything I can to make us win.  I've been working out.  I've been running . . .

REF:  That's good.

PLAYER: . . . I've been taking some performance-enhancing medicine . . . 

REF:  Wait, what?

COACH (hitting himself in the head with a clipboard repeatedly):  And THIS is why I told you that we should not be talking to the Ref.

PLAYER:  Why not? It will help.

COACH REID:  You've been using steroids?

PLAYER:  Why are you writing that down on your clipboard?

COACH REID: I'm meeting with the Commissioner later.

PLAYER:  I want to meet with the Commissioner too!

COACH REID:  Oh, I have a feeling you will be meeting with him soon enough.

PLAYER:  Anyways, Ref, my ankle is hurt and I'm not going to be able to keep up with Tyreek Hill.  I've asked my Coach to at least file a request with the League to suppress Tyreek.

COACH:  There are no grounds to suppress Tyreek Hill.

PLAYER:  Did you file a request with the League to allow us to win?

COACH:  There is no such thing.  

PLAYER:  Yeah right.

REF:  Your coach is right, sir.

PLAYER:  That's not what my friend D-Hop from the Cardinals told me and he won his game.

COACH:  DeAndre Hopkins is a much stronger player than you are.  It's a different set of circumstances.

PLAYER:  Do you see him being so disrespectful to me?

REF:  I have no comment.

PLAYER:  I have asked Coach to fire himself.

COACH:  I'm not going to fire myself.  I'm completely capable of coaching the team.

PLAYER:  Ref, can you make Bill Belichick my coach?  He's a good coach.

COACH:  I'M A GOOD COACH!

REF:  I cannot appoint Bill Belichick to be your coach.  Can you afford him on your own?

PLAYER:  My teammates are trying to get the money together . . . 

COACH:  Please let me know the second you have enough money for Coach Belichick.

PLAYER:  Can I just coach myself? I drew up some of my own plays that are going to help us win. 

REF:  You want to coach yourself?

PLAYER:  It's better than this Coach who thinks we already lost.

COACH:  I never said we already lost.

PLAYER:  So, look, I drew up the play on this piece of paper. (SHOWS PAPER TO REF, COACH, & COACH REID)

COACH REID:  Why do the Chiefs only have three defensive players in this drawing?

PLAYER:  Yeah, I'm going to need y'all to only play three players so we can score easier.

COACH REID:  We are not going to do that.

PLAYER:  Yeah, y'all are dirty.  I know.  No wonder y'all win so much.

COACH REID:  We aren't dirty.  Those are the rules.

PLAYER:  Not if you aren't trying to let us win.

COACH REID:  We are definitely NOT trying to let you win.

PLAYER:  That's not my only plan.  We know it is going to rain at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday, so we were talking about deflating the balls a little bit to help us catch them better.

COACH REID:  Oh really?

COACH:  For the love of God, please stop talking.

PLAYER:  Let me talk to these men!

REF:  I think at this point, you should probably listen to your coach and stop talking.

PLAYER:  So, we're done here?

COACH:  I'm pretty sure you are done here.

If Being a Football Coach Was Like Being a Defense Attorney

COACH:  Alright team, this week, we are playing the Chiefs . . . 

PLAYER:  So, you're trying to tell us that we just need to give up.

COACH:  Um, no.  I'm just trying to start a conversation about what to expect as we head into this weekend.  So, anyway, their quarterback is obviously Patrick Mahomes and he's a very talented . . . 

PLAYER:  So, you're trying to say that we don't have a quarterback?!

COACH:  I, uh, don't believe I said that.  All I'm saying is that we all need to be aware that there are certain strengths to their team that need to be considered.  I know that we are the Houston Texans and we have a terrible record but . . .

PLAYER:  We have a terrible record because no one ever thought about letting us win.  

COACH:  Let you win?

PLAYER:  Man, we've had eight games and not one time did the other team offer to let us win.

COACH:  I mean, that's not really how it works . . . 

PLAYER:  The Ravens beat them.  I don't see why we don't get to beat them.

COACH:  Well, I would point out that the Ravens have a different set of players than we do and may have different strengths . . .

PLAYER:  So you are saying that we have no chance.

COACH:  I don't think that at any point I have said that we have no chance.  I'm just saying that when you are facing a team, whether they are good or bad, you have to prepare and be ready for what may happen . . . 

PLAYER:  You are NOT working for us.

COACH:  How am I not working for you?  All I've done is tell you who we are facing!

PLAYER:  Fine.  Go ahead.

COACH:  Okay. Thank you.  So, as I was saying, they have a very talented quarterback in Patrick Mahomes and he has two excellent targets in Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill.  We're going to be running a lot more Dime formations on . . . 

PLAYER:  You sound like you are working for the Chiefs.

COACH:  I'm trying to talk to you about our defense!  How is that working for the Chiefs?!

PLAYER:  What is it, Coach?  Are you a Chief or are you a Texan?

COACH:  I'm a Texan!  Why is this even a question?

PLAYER:  Did you ask the Chiefs about letting us win?

COACH:  They aren't going to let us win.

PLAYER:  Did you ask them?

COACH:  I've been a coach for 22 years and never once has the other team just agreed to let us win.

PLAYER:  How many times did you ask?

COACH:  Um, well, I've never asked.

PLAYER:  Exactly.  You aren't even trying to work for us.

COACH:  I'm trying to work with you right now!  We need to talk about how to meet the challenge of facing off against the Chiefs.  The first thing we need to do is decide . . .

PLAYER:  I'm getting a free world coach.

COACH:  What does that even mean?

PLAYER:  My friend plays for the Titans.  They beat the Chiefs and people said they were going to lose.

COACH:  That's a great point, and I think that we can do the same!  We just need to . . .

PLAYER:  Get the Titans coach?

COACH:  Well, no, I was going to say rise to the occasions like the Titans did.  We can do this if you will just hear me out and we make a plan.

SILENCE

PLAYER:  Okay.  What's your plan?

COACH:  Thank you.  So, as I was saying Mahomes is really dangerous when he connects with Hill and . . .

PLAYER:  SEE WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!  I'm calling Jerry Jones.

COACH:  Jerry Jones?  The Cowboys owner?  What does he have to do with this?

PLAYER:  We aren't going to play for you against the Chiefs.

COACH:  Well, our game date is set for Sunday, so you are going to have to.

PLAYER:  Nope.

COACH:  Then we will forfeit.

PLAYER:  No we won't.

COACH:  Then we're playing!

PLAYER:  Nope.

COACH:  We have to do one or the other.

PLAYER:  Nope.  I'm calling Jerry Jones.

COACH:  Jerry Jones is not going to help you.  He has nothing to do with either us or the Chiefs.

PLAYER:  I want to talk to the ref.

COACH:  You want to talk to the referee?

PLAYER:  Yeah.  

COACH:  Why do you want to talk to the referee?

PLAYER:  Because this is some bullshit.  You aren't even trying.

COACH:  The game hasn't even started yet!

PLAYER:  Yeah, but I want the ref to give me a new coach.

COACH:  The ref is not going to give you a new coach.

PLAYER:  Did you ask him?

COACH:  Well, no.

PLAYER:  Then how do you even know?

COACH:  The referee is just going to tell you that you are free to ask to be traded and find another team on your own, but he isn't just going to give you a new coach.

PLAYER:  We'll see.

The Perils of Zooming

 Since I felt it was appropriate to make my critiques and observations about others' Zoom behavior in this post last May, I felt it would only be fair to tell on myself for something that happened this morning . . . 

If you are reading this blog and don't know me personally, then you may or may not have picked up on the fact that I like to mess with people.  99% of the time, the people that I harass or tease are my friends and it is all good-natured.  I was known for pulling practical jokes when I was a prosecutor and I still like to do them when the opportunity presents itself.

Because of this, I am keenly aware of the fact that I have a very large target on my back for retaliation at any given moment.  It's kind of like surfing on a giant wave, and knowing that you are eventually going to wipe out at some point.  I strive on a daily basis to avoid giving some of my more frequent targets any ammunition to get back at me.  Some days, I'm more successful than others.  

As per usual, for New Year's this year, I decided to try to lose some weight and get into something that could loosely be described as being in shape.  I keep hearing about the "Dad Bod," and have decided that I would be lucky to get to that point with some effort.  I'm pushing 50 years old, so I'm trying to manage my expectations.

I bought a Peloton last year and I've got some free weights in the playroom/home office.  I quit drinking beer at the house and I'm trying to lay off the desserts.  I made it through the first month of the year okay.  None of it is very pretty to watch, and I will not be joining the ranks of people posting "gym photos" to document their exercise progress.  

This morning, I'm working from home with a couple of courts that I need to appear in via Zoom.  My first stop was in the 182nd, where I had a brief conference with Judge Lacayo and the prosecutors before resetting the case.  I texted the prosecutor I was working with for my next case of the day and she said that she needed about five minutes before logging on in the next court.

So, I decided to do a couple of reps with the free weights.  

To be clear, this is not a pretty picture.  The weight isn't particularly much.  My form is probably terrible.  I'm overweight.  The overall picture is not good.  

But dammit, I'm working on it.

I go hit my weights and struggle through a quick set before docket.  I then set the weights down and start to go back my computer . . .

. . . and that's when I see the little green light that indicates my computer's video was on.

My heart rate goes up.  I wasn't sweating before, but I'm starting to now.  

I had opened up the District Clerk's website to look up a reset date for another client, but that wouldn't have slowed down the camera from working.

I was faced with the terrifying idea that I had not completely logged out of the 182nd Zoom Courtroom and just performed my very sad efforts at exercising in front of Judge Lacayo and staff, Casey Little, Missy Wheeler, and all the defendants logged in for courts this morning.

Y'all, I thought I was going to throw up.  Seriously.  I thought my day of reckoning for all of the practical jokes and smart ass comments had finally come to pass.

I rushed back to my computer -- for some reason, moving to the side in an attempt to be off-camera as if the damage wasn't already done -- and closed the clerk's website.  

I was expecting to see the entirety of the 182nd courtroom staring back at me.

But, fortunately, I live to fight my practical joke war with humanity for another day.  I had apparently opened Facetime on my computer at some point, but mercifully, had not actually called somebody.  My ugly exercise routine had remained private.

I was fully prepared to fake my death and move to another country, otherwise.  

Shopping with D.A. Kim

After wrapping up her insanely huge waste of time weeks-long inquisition into finding what prosecutors might be mocking her behind her back (which landed her in an excellent article in Texas Monthly written by Michael Hardy, in case you haven't seen it), Harris County District Attorney Kim Ogg has apparently found herself getting bored by the pandemic.

I mean, sure, the Judges, the Defense Bar, the Prosecutors, and Law Enforcement are all working long hours to figure out the complicated balancing act between public safety and Constitutional rights, but Kim is a multi-tasker.  She's got time to oppose PR bonds, give three press conferences, and hunt down disloyal prosecutors like the dogs that they are, all before noon!  Press Conference Kim has got so much time on her hands that she feels like doing a little shopping.

Today, I was greatly amused to receive an e-mail from "DA Kim Ogg" entitled "Continued Support for Local Businesses."

To be fair, the e-mail came from Ogg's campaign e-mail account and not her official government e-mail address (the one she used when she was sending out an office-wide e-mail telling her subordinates who they needed to vote for in the State Bar election).  However, the e-mail did arrive at 10:23 a.m., which was when the rest of the prosecutors at the Office were busily dealing with a healthy Monday morning docket.  That's interesting timing, because clearly the e-mail was nothing more than a rather lame campaign stunt and it was definitely being sent during work hours.

In the e-mail, the artist-formerly-known-as-Press-Conference-Kim has apparently switched titles to Chamber-of-Commerce-Kim, as she encourages the reader to please consider shopping locally, noting her "campaign's initiative to support small local businesses."

Some may wonder,"What exactly does a District Attorney have to do with starting an initiative to support small local businesses?"  Well, I've done the research, and it turns out the answer to that question is "nothing."  However, far be it from Chamber-of-Commerce-Kim to pass up an opportunity to use her "DA" title to encourage people to specifically shop at three of her preferred stores.

"DA Kim" gives a shoutout to The Harmonious Kitchen (which,  I believe would be a creative way to describe the exact opposite of the D.A.'s Office's current workplace atmosphere), Vincent Ford's Custom Men's Apparel (um, okay), and Pizzitola's BBQ (which DA Kim notes "has the best ribs in Houston!  Don't believe me?  Go give them a try!").   I'm not saying anything negative about these places, but Kim's awkward endorsements have kind of given me a case of the giggles.  Like, now I have this visual image of Kim staring awkwardly into the camera and yelling that "Harris County D.A. saves you money!!!" as she jumps in the air with a handful of currency.

I don't think there is necessarily anything illegal or particularly wrong with Kim hawking products like Snoop Dog selling Hot Pockets . . . 

(And yes, this is apparently a real thing.)

. . . but it just feels a little unseemly, doesn't it?  Especially when she refers to herself as "DA Kim Ogg" in her advertisement's signature?

All of this, of course, has inspired me to think of other Kim Ogg-worthy commercials:

"Got a loud co-worker in the next room that's always yelling at people about them not knowing when she takes her lunch hour?  Try Kim Ogg Earplugs.  They are fit for a King.  A Vivian King."

"First Assistant being a little too argumentative with you over the right thing to do?  Try Berg-Be-Gone in an aerosol can.  One spray and he'll be out of your office faster than Andrew Smith refusing to commit perjury for you.  Now in unscented!"

"Ungrateful police officers using your data bases while complaining about you to the media?  Never again!  With the Joe Gamaldi Data Blocker, you can shut down these ungrateful data moochers until they get their attitudes adjusted.  No Justice?  No problem, with the Joe Gamaldi Data Blocker."

"Disruptive prosecutors talking about you behind your back?  Try the Bark Internet Monitor for Parents.  It will tell you what's really going on with your employees' personal cell phones and computers."

"Got former employees suing you for a couple of thousand dollars for wrongful termination and/or unemployment?  Give the Mize Law Firm a call.  Tell her Kim sent you!"

I could literally do this all day, but I've got to go.  I've been eating too much Pizzitola BBQ and don't fit in any of my old suits anymore.  I'm going to give Vincent Ford a call for some custom men's apparel and then start working on my diet with the Harmonious Kitchen.

Aggravating Zoom People

As most of you know, the Harris County Criminal Justice Center, like many courthouses around the country, is using Zoom video conferences to conduct court appearances and hearings.  With several weeks of this under our belts, certain personalities for Zoomers have emerged and Cabin Fever-induced irritability has manifested.  In the spirit of Stupid Elevator People (and its lesser-known Addendum to the Elevator People), I now present to you the Top 10 Aggravating Zoom People.

10.  Zany Background Guy -- I'm not exactly sure why Zoom provides whimsical backdrops for users, but I have to assume that it was designed for kindergarten teachers who need to talk to their students.  It's not really necessary for licensed attorneys and judges.  From those of you who look like you are broadcasting live from the Golden Gate Bridge to those of you with motivational messages as a background, it really isn't necessary.  Most conspicuous offender:  Joe Vinas with his "Shall We Play a Game?" backdrop which harkens back to 1983's obscure nerd movie Wargames.  Objection, Joe,  Relevance.

9.  The Radio Prosecutor -- This goes out to the prosecutor who wants to make sure that absolutely nothing about the Zoom video conference gives away anything about his or her personal appearance, including, but not limited to, what they look like without the makeup that they definitely will not be putting on this morning.  This prosecutor's video screen is filled only with big block letters announcing his or (usually) her name.  When you indignantly read probable cause, your name flashes across the screen like Closed Captioning from the Gods.  Most conspicuous offender:  Casey Little, whose zealous advocacy on behalf of the State, coupled with her name on the screen, makes it feel like Justice is screaming at you through a bullhorn.

8.  The "I'm Not That Great with Technology" Close Talker -- This is the lawyer who has been, um, let's just say "practicing for awhile" that is still trying to figure out what is going on with all of this technology crap.  Rather than turning up the speaker on his or her computer, he or she edges in real close to the computer screen and yells into the microphone.  It comes across as a really angry extreme close up.  Most conspicuous offender:  Skip Cornelius, who in a conference yesterday was yelling both when he was angry and when he wasn't.  The best part of this video was seeing his brother, Terry, standing over Skip's shoulder through the whole thing.  I couldn't tell if Terry was Skip's tech help or just waiting on him to go play golf.

7.  The "Hey! I just got here!" Guy --This tone-deaf Zoomer is the guy who just logged into a Zoom docket that has been going for some time, but seems unaware of the fact that his arrival is really not that remarkable of an event.  Upon logging on, he or she immediately begins talking to the judge as if the judge had been sitting there all morning just waiting for the lawyer to arrive.  I'm not sure if this is a lack of technology awareness or just simple rudeness.  Would you walk into a courtroom under normal circumstances and immediately demand attention?  No?  Then mute yourself and shut up until called upon.  Most conspicuous offender:  Every criminal defense attorney who has been licensed for less than a year.

6.  The Grey Poupon Background Guy --  This is the lawyer who has found the most sophisticated looking place to set up his or her computer so that you can admire the interior decorating.  Whether you are sitting in front of your diplomas at your office (yes, Brian Roberts, we all are licensed by the State Bar of Texas) or just want to show how nice your house is, we get it.  You are fancier than the guys in the Grey Poupon commercials.  Most conspicuous offender:  Todd Dupont, who strategically placed his computer camera facing a doorway with perfectly balanced, tasteful artwork on either side of it.  It was elegant and understated.  Less elegant and understated:  the short sleeve buttondown shirt you were wearing.  Hey, Detective Sipowicz, NYPD Blue went off the air in 2005.

5.  The Muting Refuser -- Here's a fun fact about Zoom that some people seem to have not picked up on yet.  When you are the person talking (or making noise), the software gives you the spotlight and you take up the main screen.  Kind of like in an interview via satellite on the news.  Some Zoom participants either don't know how to mute their microphones or just refuse to.  Every time they (or someone or something at their location) makes a noise, we all hear it and the camera cuts to you.  If your dogs are barking or your kids are yelling, we can all hear it and we know it is coming from you because the camera zooms in on your face.  Most conspicuous offender:  Eileen Bogar, who recently seemed to be battling allergies during a Zoom conference.  Her sniffling and sneezing led to multiple staccato cutaways to her like a Claritin commercial meshing with a 1990s Pop Art video while other lawyers were talking to the judge.

4.  The "I'm here to Socialize" Guy -- This goes out to the attorney whose business with court was brief and concluded, but still keeps on talking to the judge, prosecutor and/or other attorneys, much to the aggravation of the other attorneys waiting to speak to the Court.  Shut up, man.  Some of us need to get done with this Zoom conference so we can catch The Price Is Right.  Most conspicuous offender:  Murray Newman.  Sorry, everybody.  I miss y'all!

3.  The "I'm Not In Court, You Can't Tell Me What to Wear" Guy -- Sure, it's a pandemic and we are all broadcasting from home.  None of us are dressed in our Sunday Best, exactly.  I've modeled some of my finest concert t-shirts from the past decade myself.  But then there's that guy who has to take it a step too far by clearly getting dressed (or not) to show his irreverence for the situation.  Apparently, this became so out of control in Florida (go figure) that a judge had to drop the hammer on some attorneys who were appearing a little too laid back in their video appearances.  Most conspicuous offender:  Mark Lipkin, who is rumored to have appeared shirtless in a recent Zoom appearance in court.

2.  The Boring Background Prosecutor --  This one describes the prosecutor with the least imaginative background while talking.  While some prosecutors are sitting at their breakfast table or perhaps home office, the Boring Background Prosecutor has selected the blandest setting possible to set up shop.  Also qualifying under this category is the prosecutor who has selected something really boring as their artificial backdrop.  Seriously, if you are going to use a backdrop, be somewhat imaginative.  A courtroom setting and/or a view of the CJC, for instance, is lame, Ryan McLearen.  Most conspicuous offender:  Cristina Platter, who conferenced in from a white-walled room devoid of photos, artwork, windows, or color. I was concerned that perhaps she had broken into a vacant apartment for the conference call. Seriously, I've seen hostage videos filmed in locations that showed more pizzazz.

1.  The "Let Me Take You on A Journey" Attorney -- This is the lawyer on a laptop who just can't sit still while waiting for his or her turn to talk.  He or she picks up the laptop and goes for a stroll around the house.  This, as it turns out, also makes the camera cut to you and gives everyone watching the screen a severe case of sea sickness-induced nausea.  For the love of God, please stop.  I will chip in to get you a desktop, just please stop moving.  You have the option of turning the camera off for whatever reason you need.  Movement is one of those reasons!  Most conspicuous offender:  Beth Exley, who took us all on an IMAX-worthy-tour-of-her-house-as-seen-over-her-shoulder yesterday in the 185th Zoom conference.

So, there you have it.  If you have additional categories that you would like to add, please do so in the comments.  If I named you in this post, don't be mad.  I wouldn't have named you if I didn't think you could take a joke!

Episode Five: The Empress Strikes Out

SCENE:  The Star Destroyer Jefferson hovers over a very empty Downtown.  [INTERIOR]. The Imperial Throne Room.  An uncharacteristically cheerful EMPRESS OGG is standing at the head of her conference room table.  Behind her, her lead stormtrooper BOBA CLAPPART is busily preparing a bacta tank for one person.  VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM sits stoically at the head of the table as other members of the ADVISORY COUNCIL file into the room.

EMPRESS OGG:  Greetings my dearest friends and co-workers!  Come in!  Come in!  It is so lovely to see you today!  It brings me great joy to see all of you!

YVONNE VENTRESS (whispering):  Why is she so happy?

COUNT MUSICK:  I don't know.  I haven't seen her this happy since the Envirolorian's Arkema trial got postponed.

YVONNE VENTRESS:  Yes, I heard the trial was not going well.  Some guy named Brady kept showing up unexpectedly?

COUNT MUSICK:  Yes.  Something like that.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Let's call the meeting to order.

EMPRESS OGG:  Yes!  I have things to do.  How is the bacta tank coming along, Boba?

BOBA CLAPPART:  We are working on it, Empress, but I still don't see how we are going to fit your press conference podium in there with you.  This thing only has a three-foot diameter.

EMPRESS OGG:  Honestly, Boba.  I don't know why I give you any jobs in the first place.  First, you can't frame a group of teenagers for murder and now you can't outfit the bacta tank with the bare necessities that I need to survive.

BOBA CLAPPART:  Well, I mean it does provide nutrients and oxygen while keeping you completely insulated from the coronavirus, it's just . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  No podium.  No deal.  Fix it, nitwit.

BOBA CLAPPART:  Yes, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  Now, as I was saying, let's call the meeting to order . . .

THE DOOR TO THE THRONE ROOM FLIES OPEN AND IN STORMS CHIEF OF STAFF VIVIAN KING.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Nice of you to join us, Vivian.

CHIEF KING:  Screw you, New Tom Berg.  I was at lunch.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  It's 9 a.m.

CHIEF KING:  YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN MY LUNCH HOUR IS!!!!!

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  It is too lovely of a day to be ruined with in-fighting.

CHIEF KING:  Who the hell gave you happy pills?

EMPRESS OGG:  No happy pills, my friend.  I don't need them.  Why would I?  Life has never been better for your favorite Ogginator.  I won my election and all of the Jawas are happier than they have been since I first took office.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  I think they are happy because you finally let them work from home during the coronavirus, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  Nonsense.  They are happy because I won.  That's why they kept coming to work even though there was an earth-shattering plague risking all of their lives.  They love me, dearly.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Um, they kept coming because Vivian told them it was business as usual and they had to.

CHIEF KING:  WHO TOLD YOU THAT?  WHO IS TALKING ABOUT ME?  I AM BOARD CERTIFIED IN CRIMINAL LAW!  NOBODY BETTER BE TALKING BAD ABOUT ME!  I WILL SUE YOU, NEW TOM BERG!!!!

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  We are all friends here.  He is not Murray Newman.  Only a malcontent like him could ever say anything bad about you.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Well, Murray and anyone who ever watched an episode of Sisters In Law.

EMPRESS OGG:  And that's like, what?  Thirty people?  Obviously I never even watched it myself, Vivian.  That's why I hired you.

CHIEF KING:  YOU CAN GO TO HELL, NEW TOM BERG!  I'M GOING TO HAVE YOUR JOB.  YOU JUST WATCH.  MY TITLE IS GOING TO CHIEF OF STAFF AND FIRST ASSISTANT, or Vice-Admiral or whatever.

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  You did stop calling Murray and yelling at him during business hours like you promised me right?

CHIEF KING:  Yes, Empress.  Now, I only call him and ask him to verify his Google Listing.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Why would you harass him like that?

CHIEF KING:  SHUT UP NEW TOM BERG!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MY SIDE HUSTLE IS!  I'VE GOT VIVIAN KING TV!  I'VE GOT CHIEF OF STAFF!  I'VE GOT VIVIAN KING REALTY!  I DO SOME FAMILY LAW! I'M BRINGING BACK SISTERS IN LAW, BUT WE ARE CALLING IT "VIVIAN IS THE MAMA BEAR IN LAW! I CAN VERIFY GOOGLE LISTINGS IF I WANT TO.  I'M GOING TO BE NEW FIRST ASSISTANT HERE IN A MINUTE, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE OLD NEW TOM BERG AND I'M GOING TO THE NEW NEW TOM BERG!

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Um, okay.

EMPRESS OGG:  Anyway, as I was saying, the Jawas are ecstatic about my re-election and that's what makes them ignore all of the incredibly serious warnings from the WHO and the CDC about social distancing.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  I should probably point out that you still have a general election in November, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  SILENCE!

CHIEF KING:  Empress, can I have his job now?

EMPRESS OGG:  Sure.

THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND A PANICKED JAR JAR ROGERS BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.

JAR JAR ROGERS:  Oosa oosa Empress Ogg!  Yoosa needsa to get into the bacta tank rightsa nowsa!

EMPRESS OGG:  What is it, Jar Jar?

JAR JAR ROGERS:  There's a beena exposure of mooey mooey bad coronavirus at the jail!

YVONNE VENTRESS:  I'll send out an e-mail and tell the Sheriff to evacuate the jail and bring them all to 500 Jefferson immediately.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Wait.  What?

CHIEF/VICE-ADMIRAL KING:  That sounds like a great plan.  Business as usual, as I always say.

EMPRESS OGG:  Peace out, people!  I'm heading to the bacta tank!  Let me know when the crisis is over!

BOBA CLAPPART:  What about your podium?

EMPRESS OGG:  There's no time!  Give it to Vivian!  She's in charge now!  Best of luck, everyone!

EMPRESS OGG PLUNGES INTO THE BACTA TANK, CLOSING THE LID BEHIND HER.  ACTING EMPRESS KING IMMEDIATELY TAKES EMPRESS OGG'S SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  Boba Clappart!

BOBA CLAPPART:  Yes ma'am?

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  Put New Tom Berg in the carbon freezing chamber.  He can wait there until Empress Ogg comes out of the bacta tank.

BOBA CLAPPART grabs VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM by the arm and begins to lead him out.

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  It is now time to execute Order 66.  At last, we will reveal our full power to the Jawas.

COUNT MUSICK:  You mean the Jedi?

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  No, the Jawas.  We can't really do anything to the Jedi, but I can be mean as hell to the Jawas.  I'm the Mama Bear, dammit and I'm Board Certified.  Now, somebody bring me some of that espresso from my high dollar R2-D2 coffee maker . . .


SEE PREVIOUSLY

Episode One:  The Phantom Kimness

Episode Two:  Attack of the Clowns

Episode Three:  Revenge of the Fifth (Amendment)

Episode Four: A Glimmer of Hope

Episode Four: A Glimmer of Hope - a One Act Sci-Fi Play

SCENE:  The Star Destroyer Jefferson hovers over Downtown Houston.  It has been two years since the Death Star was destroyed by Harvey and workers are now occasionally working to make it fully operational again.  [INTERIOR] The Observation Bridge leading into the Imperial Throne Room.  Two Imperial Officers are standing outside the entryway to the Throne Room, speaking in hushed whispers.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Corporal Leitner, do you have news?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, Vice Admiral, and I'm afraid it is all bad.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  How bad?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Bad enough that I'm afraid to tell her.  She's been in such a terrible mood since firing Denholm the Hutt.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Yes, I know.  I had hoped that firing Andrew Wan-Kenobi would have cheered her up some, but it hasn't.  As it turns out, most of the Jawas were big fans of his and when she struck him down, he became more powerful than she could have possibly imagined.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  What can we do?

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  I do not know.  We hired Jar Jar Rogers as a full-time stormtrooper so that she could give around-the-clock press conferences.  Those do make her so very happy.  He and Cad Dane are in with her now.

As if on cue, the doors open and Jar Jar Rogers and Cad Dane exit the Imperial Throne Room.

JAR JAR ROGERS:  Mooey mooey Boss Ogg!  Deesa be the bestest pressa conference ever!  Even da Cad Dane Schiller say so!

CAD DANE:  Yes, Empress.  You are truly beloved by the masses.  Only a truly biased person would find error in any of your ways.

JAR JAR ROGERS:  Deesa deferred adjudification plan off your is the besta ever, Boss Ogg!  Yousa the smartest prosecutor ever for inventing it!

EMPRESS OGG:  You two are wonderful.  You know I love giving press conferences.   Have a press release out immediately about my deferred adjudication program.

JAR JAR and CAD DANE leave.

EMPRESS OGG:  Mitcham and Leitner, you may enter.

MITCHAM and LEITNER enter the Throne Room.

EMPRESS OGG:  This had better be good news.

MITCHAM and LEITNER look at each other uncomfortably.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Did I hear correctly that you are starting a new deferred adjudication program?

EMPRESS OGG (smiling):  Why, yes.  It is very exciting and innovative.  I'm glad I invented it.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  What is it?

EMPRESS OGG:  A new program where a Defendant enters a plea of guilty, but the judge withholds a finding of guilt and places the Defendant on community supervision.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  But . . .

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM (to LEITNER):  Just let it go.

EMPRESS OGG:  So, I hope you bring me good news.  The year has been terrible.  First there was the Temple Disaster.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The Jedi Temple?

EMPRESS OGG:  No.  David Temple.  I was really hoping that Admiral Schneider could pull that one off.  Darth DeGuerin is livid.  He won't return any of my phone calls.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You did all you could, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  Yes.  I know.  And then we had that whole scandal with Amir promising cantina owners on Mos Eisley that he would legalize their gambling clubs. 

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Speaking of Mos Eisley . . .

EMPRESS OGG: What about it?

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  There have been protests from the locals and the Stormtrooper Union president.

EMPRESS OGG:  Over what?  We investigated and Greedo shot first.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Accounts vary.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  There is still a lot of backlash over Denholm the Hutt asking about Greedo's legal status.

EMPRESS OGG:  And after careful consideration over 8 parsecs, I jettisoned Denholn into hyperspace.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Some feel that you should have dispatched him as quickly as you dispatched Andrew Wan-Kenobi.

EMPRESS OGG:  Don't be ridiculous.  Kenobi made me angry.  Denholm?  Not so much.  Andrew should have learned the lessons of former Vice Admiral Berg that you should only disagree with me if you wish to spend the rest of your days frozen in carbonite.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Speaking of all the people you've been terminating, Your Worship, we have still not received approval from the Galactic Senate for the budget for more Jawas.

EMPRESS OGG:  This is an outrage.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  The situation is critical, Empress.  You may need to slow down on firing people . . .

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Speaking of which, Your Highness, I can't help but notice that everyone but me got a promotion.  I've been a corporal since you took over.  You know, under Emperor Patricia, I was a Vice Admiral.

EMPRESS OGG:  Meh.  We all kind of talked about it and decided you were good where you are.

CORPORAL LEITNER: Yes, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  What news do we have for the upcoming battle of 2020?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The news is bad.  There are many who are lined up to take your place.

EMPRESS OGG:  I know of Audia and this Skystreeter person.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Overstreet.

EMPRESS OGG:  Whatever.  Who else?

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Lloyd Oliver, Lori Deangelo, Mary Nan Huffman, and there are rumors that Carl from maintenance is eyeing a run.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  And I'm afraid that I have bad news about an additional candidate.

EMPRESS OGG:  Who?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Carvana Skywalker.

EMPRESS OGG:  Why does that name sound familiar?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  She worked here until last Friday.

EMPRESS OGG:  Hmm.  I can't be bothered to know everyone who works here.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You handpicked her as part of your staff when you took over.  Made her Bureau Chief recently.  Houston native.  Lifelong Democrat.  Highly respected amongst her peers.  A really really strong candidate.

EMPRESS OGG:  Not ringing a bell.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You have a picture with her on your desk.

EMPRESS OGG:  No I don't.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, it's right there.

EMPRESS OGG:  Boba Clappart, please escort Corporal Leitner to the carbon freezing chamber.

BOBA CLAPPART, head of security drags CORPORAL LEITNER kicking and screaming out of the Throne Room.

VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Well, it isn't like he didn't know what happens when someone disagrees with you . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  I mean, seriously.  Right?! And he wonders why he never got promoted above Corporal.



SEE PREVIOUSLY

Episode One:  The Phantom Kimness

Episode Two:  Attack of the Clowns

Episode Three:  Revenge of the Fifth (Amendment)

Tales from the Old Days

From time to time, I'm reminded of a funny story from my days at the District Attorney's Office and I think that they might make for a decent blog post.  I was reminded of one of those moments this morning by former-HCDA investigator Steve Januhowski on Facebook, so I thought I'd share.

Back when I was a new-ish prosecutor, a group of prosecutors routinely got together on Wednesdays after work for Steak Night at the Little Woodrow's on W. Alabama (sadly, it has since been demolished).  I coordinated Steak Night and I was pretty religious about attendance.  We usually had anywhere between ten to thirty people show up.

I never missed.  If I didn't leave early from work, I was out the door at 5:00 sharp on Wednesdays.

During my tenure as the Chief of County Court at Law #5, my secretary was the one and only Barbara Eaglin, who was a true institution of the Office.  She had been around for decades, if not centuries and was well known for her good-natured battles with the smart ass baby prosecutors that came through the misdemeanor.  In addition, if a thought entered Barbara's mind, it immediately came right out of her mouth, and it came out loudly.

One Wednesday, my godfather, Jim Cox, called the Office looking for me.  Jim was an older attorney, who was probably in his mid-to-late-60s when this happened.  He didn't practice criminal law and he didn't know Barbara, nor did she have any clue on earth who she was talking to when she answered the phone.  As he would tell me later that the phone call went something like this.

BARBARA:  District Attorney's Office.

JIM:  May I speak to Murray Newman?

BARBARA:  No, he's gone for the day.

JIM:  Oh, that's right.  It's Wednesday.  He must have left early for steak night.

BARBARA:  No.  He left early because it's raining outside and shit floats.

She then hung up the phone.

Conversations at the Elevator Bank

While standing at the elevator bank at the CJC this morning, a highly agitated lady waded into the crowd of people waiting, yelling out questions to no one in particular.

LADY:  WHERE IS ANDREWS?!?!  CAN ANYONE TELL ME WHERE ANDREWS IS?!

CROWD:  (SILENCE)

LADY:  THEY SAID SHE'S ON SIX BUT I WAS JUST UP THERE AND SHE AIN'T THERE!  IT'S BULLSHIT!  SOMEBODY AROUND HERE'S GOT TO KNOW!

ME:  Do you mean Judge Kelley Andrews?

LADY (calming down some):  Yeah!  Her!

ME (trying to remember what floor Court 6 is on):  Well, she's Court Six, so . . .

LADY:  I JUST WENT TO SIX AND SHE ISN'T THERE!

ME:  Well, there's a difference between the sixth floor and Court Six, I'm trying to remember . . .

ANOTHER ATTORNEY:  I think Court Six is on the 11th floor.

LADY (to other attorney):  THANK YOU!  That's all you had to say.

LADY (giving me a dirty look):  I DON'T NEED SOME ARROGANT ASS LAWYER TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M STUPID.

ME:  [SPEECHLESS]

NOTE:  This post reminded me of my favorite post that I ever wrote about the CJC Elevator Experience, so I decided I should relink to it here.

Client Communications

Like most attorneys, I'm heavily reliant on my cell phone for pretty much everything I do in the course of my job.  From my calendar to my contact list to my case management software, I have everything I need on my cell phone.

I've also found that text messaging with my clients is the fastest and most efficient way to deal with quick questions that don't require full-length conversations.   If my client is out on bond, I make sure that they have my cell phone number and I tell them that the fastest way to get an answer from me about something is to just shoot me a text message.

Obviously, there can be some pitfalls with letting clients have your cell number.  Clients and their family members sometimes don't respect the fact that you might not appreciate a phone call at 5:30 a.m., for instance.  Sometimes clients give your number to "prospective clients" who don't have any intention of hiring you, but would love some free legal advice since they have your number.

But, on the whole, the benefits have outweighed the downsides for me. So, I always exchange cell phone numbers with my clients when we first meet.

This morning, I was appointed on a new case.  After giving her my business card, I went through the usual steps of giving my new client my cell phone number.

It went something like this:

ME:  I usually communicate with my clients by text message, so let me get your cell phone number.

CLIENT:  Okay.  [GIVES ME CELL PHONE NUMBER]

I created a new contact for her.

ME:  I'm going to send you a text message now, so that you have my cell phone number.

CLIENT:  Okay.

I send her a text message that reads:  "This is Murray."

ME:  Okay, we don't have any of the Discovery on the case so I'm going to go get you a reset and get you out of here today.

CLIENT:  Okay,  Sounds good.

I then went to reset the case.  As I was talking to the coordinator, I received a text message.

Literally, two minutes had passed since I had texted her.

I got the reset and then walked over to the client, who was looking at her cell phone.

ME: I'm Murray.  I told you I was sending you my cell number.

CLIENT:  What?

ME:  You just texted me "Murray who".

CLIENT:  No, I didn't.

She then looked at her phone.  

CLIENT:  Oh wait, yeah I did.

These are the types of moments that never seem to make it into legal dramas.  

LaGrappe's Trial Socks

I ran into my friend and fellow defense attorney, John LaGrappe, on Friday in the basement of the parking garage. 

If you don't know John, he's a big personality and also one hell of a trial lawyer.

He was in trial on Friday, but had to take his boots off for the metal detector.  When he did, all of us in the vicinity got a look at John's lucky trial socks.

Who in the hell goes barefoot with boots?

A 4-year-old's Views on Self-Defense

As a blogger on serious matters, I generally try to avoid writing funny stories about my kids.  Sometimes, I find that unavoidable.

This afternoon, I picked my 4-year-old up from after-school care and his counselor told me that he had gotten into a fight with another 4-year-old.  She told me he wasn't in trouble, because he was defending a friend.  Naturally, I asked him what happened.

ME:  Smith, what happened?

SMITH:  [Other kid] hit me and pulled my hair.

ME:  What did you do?

SMITH:  I told him that was not acceptable.

ME:  "Not acceptable?"  Who told you to say that?

SMITH:  [My teacher.]

ME:  That's very good, Smith.  What happened then?

SMITH:  I punched him in the forehead.

Top 10 Excuses from the D.A.'s Office for Hiring a Convicted Felon to Be a Prosecutor

As most courthouse regulars know by now, the Harris County District Attorney's Office had an embarrassing situation this week after hiring Marlene Bovell, a convicted felon, to be an Assistant District Attorney.  Here are the Top 10 Excuses that I think the Office could potentially use in this scenario.  So, here we go . . .

The Top 10 Excuses from the Harris County District Attorney's Office

for Hiring a Convicted Felon to Be an Assistant D.A.

10.  The Office was just feeling kind of self-destructive ever since Drew Rountree left.

9.  Someone needed to drive the Justice Trolley.

8. Still had Parental Controls activated on the Investigators' Google accounts, so there was no way they could have ever found out plainly obvious information from the Internet.

7. Hey, if the Trump Administration can employ crooks, why can't we?

6.  She told us that she didn't like Keiter, either.

5. She had a law degree and a pulse.  Have you seen our attrition numbers lately?

4.  She came highly recommended by David Temple.

3.  Leitner needed a personal trainer at his intake gym.

2.  Denholm smeared ketchup all over the Criminal History portion of her job application.

1. Let's just say that with the way we've been managing our budget, a little check fraud in the future wasn't totally out of the question.

Fun with the Houston Chronicle Billing Department

As I was totaling up my end-of-month bills this afternoon, I couldn't help but notice that our esteemed city newspaper, the Houston Chronicle, had taken the liberty of billing me three separate times in the past thirty days.  Now, I'm not proud to admit that I subscribe to the Chronicle on most days, but in my defense, I only get the paper on Sundays.

For a "Sunday Only" subscription, I pay the sum of $14 a month -- in theory.  Assuming there are four Sundays in a month, that comes to $3.50 a paper.  That's not really all that great of a deal for something I can usually work through in the space of ten minutes on the average Sunday.  Not to mention, the newspaper lady routinely forgets to deliver the paper about once a month.

As with most of my bills, I have it on a credit card with autopay.

I noticed today that the Chron had billed me $14 on October 31st, $19 on November 3rd, and another $14 on November 24th.   This seemed to boost my average bill to $11.75 per newspaper, which seemed a tad hefty.

So, I called in to question my bill.  After being on hold for about fifteen minutes, I finally spoke to an actual living person!  The explanation went a little something like this.

Chronicle Lady:  Well, that bill on October 31st was supposed to be on October 15th, but we charged you late.  Don't worry, we did not charge you extra for the late fee.

Charge me extra for a late fee on something that auto-drafts?  Huh?

Chronicle Lady:  The bill on November 3rd is because we bill ten days before your subscription expires and it was going to expire on November 15th.

Wait.  What?

Chronicle Lady:  The bill on November 24 is because your subscription was going to expire on December 10th, so we billed you for it.

I'm completely confused at this point.

ME:  So, why was the November 3rd bill for $19 instead of $14?

Chronicle Lady:  That was because you receive a special Christmas edition paper which is an additional $5.  Oh, wait, I mean, you receive a special Thanksgiving edition paper which is an additional $5.

ME:  Wait, you charge me an extra five dollars because you put extra advertisements in it?

Chronicle Lady:  Yes sir.

ME:  You know, nevermind.  Just cancel my subscription.

Chronicle Lady:  That will be another department.  Let me transfer you.

She then hung up on me.

And they wonder why the newspaper industry is dying.

The Name is Coyne. Brian Coyne.

My friend and fellow defense attorney Brian Coyne is a smooth operator.

In addition to being one of the best trial lawyers I've seen try a case in the CJC, he's also a very sharp dresser.

His suits are custom tailored from Jos. A. Banks.  His sunglasses are the most expensive that the Sunglass Hut kiosk at Willowbrook Mall has to offer.  His shoes are ordered exclusively from Foot Locker's business attire section.  His briefcase was the most expensive item for sale in Washington D.C.'s Spy Museum gift shop.

Other than losing his umbrella from time to time, Brian pretty much has his stuff together.

Except today.

Today was a bad fashion day for Brian.

Top 10 Signs Your Chief Investigator Might Be Working for the Temple Defense Team

10.  Abruptly ends phone calls with elected District Attorney because "Dick is on the other line."

9.  Currently growing out his beard so that he can look more like Stan Schneider.

8.  Keeps bragging about his how his "buddy in Katy" is cooler than all of his old policeman friends.

7.  Received a prestigious award from a prominent Defense Attorney Organization for his work on the Temple Case.

6.  Keeps claiming that the Katy High School Football Team of 1987 was the greatest high school football team in Texas History.

5.  No longer cries in interview with 48 Hours about his old police friends no longer speaking to him.

4.  Currently investigating a group of people known as "the Katy Boys" on their ties to Russia.

3.  Denholm complains that all Temple ever talks about is "Steve.  Steve.  Steve." these days.

2.  Hanging out in felony dockets, looking for witnesses that can help him pin a murder on somebody else.

1.  Wears David Temple's high school letter jacket to work.

Episode Three: Revenge of the Fifth (Amendment) -- A One Act Sci-Fi Play

SCENE:  The Death Star orbits over Downtown Houston.  [Interior]  A galactic conference room for a Tuesday Show & Tell Meeting.  EMPRESS OGG sits at the head of the table, as the rest of her Imperial Officers sit to the sides.

EMPRESS OGG:  Tell me, Vice Admiral Berg, where do we stand on our budget?

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  Well, Empress, after farming out the Goforth case, we took another big hit on the budget.  With that and the Irsan case in Planet 184, we've had to outsource two death capitals.  There's a possibility that the tab on the two cases could reach well over a million dollars.

EMPRESS OGG:  A million?!  Mother of Yoda!!

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  Yes, the numbers are concerning.  We may need to downsize your Imperial Guard.

EMPRESS OGG:  By how many?

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  Well, um, like all of them?

EMPRESS OGG:  Unacceptable.  There must be another option.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  We could stop recusing ourselves off of death capital cases.

EMPRESS OGG:  That would cause a disturbance in the Soros.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You mean the Force?

EMPRESS OGG:  No, I mean Soros.  George Soros.  Guy gave me a TON of money!  What we need is a good, high profile case, that I, the Imperial Empress Attorney can personally try, so that the good people of Houston will know that sometimes we keep cases.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Well, we do actually have a case you might like.  I see that beloved Houston Rockets point guard, James Harden, was robbed at the Toyota Center.

EMPRESS OGG:  Hot damn!  I'm all over it.  Call Jar Jar in here for a press conference.  Do we have a suspect?

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Um, looks like the suspect is J.J. Watt.

EMPRESS OGG:  Nope.  Get me my "Recusal" stamp.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  What are the grounds for recusal?

EMPRESS OGG:  My cousin's neighbor met J.J. once.  Got to avoid that appearance of impropriety, ya know.  No special treatment around this place.  No sirree, Bob.

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  On to the next order of business . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  Yes, I'd like for you all to extend a warm Oggnacious welcome to our newest employee, community liason, David Temple.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Uh, THE David Temple?

DAVID TEMPLE:  Howdy, y'all.

EMPRESS OGG:  David comes highly recommended by Jabba Denholm and Boba Clappart.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Doesn't he still have murder charges pending?

EMPRESS OGG:  For just a little bit longer.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  So, are we recusing the Office now?

EMPRESS OGG:  No.  Why do you ask?

AWKWARD SILENCE

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  So, on another topic, apparently we've made Viceroy Kubosh angry over this whole Murder for Hire case where the newspaper revealed he was our Informant.

EMPRESS OGG:  How did the newspaper know?  Tom, I thought we agreed you weren't to speak to the Press again after the whole Buzbee Debacle.

VICE ADMIRAL BERG:  It wasn't me, this time.

EMPRESS OGG:  Then what happened?

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Kubosh's name was in the Probable Cause warrant for the arrest.

EMPRESS OGG:  Why was his name put in the warrant?

JABBA DENHOLM:  No way around it.  Gotta put that confidential informant's name in the old warrant-roosky.  Says right there in Penal Code section something or other.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Actually, you never put a confidential informant's name in a warrant.  That's why they are called "confidential."

JABBA DENHOLM:  Wrong.

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  We draft narcotics warrants all the time where we protect confidential informant names.  It is standard practice.

JABBA DENHOLM:  Agree to disagree.  Hey, Jimbo, are you going to finish that breakfast taco?

CORPORAL LEITNER tries to protect the remains of his breakfast taco, only to have DAVID TEMPLE snatch it out of his hand and give it to JABBA.

TEMPLE:  Interception!!

JABBA DENHOLM:  Thanks, buddy.

TEMPLE:  I owe you huge, bro.

JABBA and TEMPLE high five.

EMPRESS OGG:  From now on, no more putting confidential informants' names in warrants so the press can read them.  I'm very disappointed in you, Denholm.  Corporal Leitner, write up a memo detailing Jabba's transgressions and put it in his file.

JABBA DENHOLM:  Oh come on!  How was I supposed to know this?

LIEUTENANT MITCHAM:  Are you sure that you're a lawyer?

JABBA DENHOLM:  Screw you, C3P0.

CAPTAIN KING:  Don't worry, Jabba.  I'll re-write the memo and tone it down so much that it won't even seem like a complaint was ever even filed.

JABBA DENHOLM:  Thanks, Vivian.

EMPRESS OGG:  Okay, good meeting everyone.  We are adjourned.  And remember, what do we say if anyone ever asks us about what we talk about here?

STAFF (IN UNISON):  We plead the Fifth!

EMPRESS OGG:  Excellent.  Dismissed.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Sigh.  This is just like the Lykos Death Star.

END SCENE

Episode Two: Attack of the Clowns -- a One Act Sci-Fi Play

SCENE:  The Death Star orbits over Downtown Houston.  [INTERIOR] The Imperial Throne Room.  A shrouded figure peers over a desk, looking over important documents.  The door opens and an Imperial Officer shuffles in.  The shrouded figure looks up.

SHROUDED FIGURE:  What is it, Corporal Leitner?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  I'm sorry to interrupt you, Empress Ogg.  I know you are busy reviewing the Temple case.

EMPRESS OGG:  I'm not reviewing the Temple case, I'm looking at cases that I want to have Vice-Admiral Berg talk to the media about.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Wait.  Aren't those the expunged cases?  I don't think we are allowed to speak about cases that are expunged.  I thought talking about an expunged case was a 3rd Degree Felony.

EMPRESS OGG:  Silence!  "Expunged" means "talk a lot about" in Latin.  Everyone who went to law school knows that, Corporal.  Hmm.  This Buzbee case looks like a good talking point . . .

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You are letting Vice Admiral Berg talk to the media?  Empress Lykos never let me talk to the media when I was Vice Admiral.

EMPRESS OGG:  Can't imagine why . . .

CORPORAL LEITNER:  What do you mean?

EMPRESS OGG:  Nevermind, was there something you needed, Corporal?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, your majesty.  We must talk about the Intake System for the Death Star.

EMPRESS OGG:  What about it?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  We can't afford it anymore.

EMPRESS OGG:  What do you mean "we can't afford it?"

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Well, apparently after you took over and did things the way you wanted, we failed to calculate a budget for the Intake System.

EMPRESS OGG:  Do we need it?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Um, yes.  That is how we get the cases that are what keeps this building running.

EMPRESS OGG:  Dammit.  I barely have enough in the budget to pay for the fifteen Stormtroopers that I require to be guarding me at all times.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Fifteen?  You have fifteen Stormtroopers on your security detail?  I don't think President Trump has that many people.  Have there been threats against you?

EMPRESS OGG:  No, but it looks rockin' cool.  Kind of like Beyonce when she did the Super Bowl.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  For thirty years, the D.A.'s Office had had someone working intake 24/7.  We can't just stop doing that.

EMPRESS OGG:  You're right.  Just tell the Jawas that they have to work intake for free as part of their jobs.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Jawas?

EMPRESS OGG:  Jawas.  ADAs.  Whatever.  And let's just get one of our supervisors to just sit there and do nothing while they do all the work.  Somebody like Jabba.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The Hutt?

EMPRESS OGG:  No,  Denholm.

THE INTERCOM ON EMPRESS OGG'S DESK BUZZES.  EMPRESS OGG HITS A BUTTON.

EMPRESS OGG:  Go for Kimbra.

VOICE:  Empress Ogg, Jar Jar Rogers from the Chronicle is here to see you for your interview.

EMPRESS OGG:  Send him in.

A SLIDING DOOR ENTERS, and JAR JAR ROGERS comes bouncing into the room.

JAR JAR:  Oh, Mooey, Mooey, Boss Ogg!  Meesa so happy for happy positive article writing time about you today!

EMPRESS OGG:  It is always so good to see you, Jar Jar.

JAR JAR:  Meesa so happy to be writing about bestest D.A. Ever!

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Are you brainless?

JAR JAR:  Meesa know how to write!

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The ability to write for the Chronicle does not make one intelligent.

JAR JAR:  Mooey mooey, Boss Ogg, peoples be saying yousa be up to no good.  They saya you going to dismissa David Temple because you big buddy with Datha Deguerin.

EMPRESS OGG:  Nonsense, Jar Jar.  That is just angry talk from the old Jedis that I got rid of under Order 38.

JAR JAR:  Dose Jedis useda be my friends.

EMPRESS OGG:  They are very bad people, Jar Jar.  They say very bad things about me.

JAR JAR:  So do the Jawas!

EMPRESS OGG:  Silence!  That's not the point!  The point is that I am launching very thorough investigations into those Jedis who might have said bad things about me.

JAR JAR:  Is that againsta the law?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You would think . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  It needs a thorough investigation.

JAR JAR:  Like yousa investigating David Temple?

EMPRESS OGG:  Um, sure.

JAR JAR:  Meesa want to get a picture of you investigating David Temple file!  Can meesa get a picture with you and the file?

EMPRESS OGG:  Of course!

AWKWARD SILENCE

JAR JAR:  Where da file?

EMPRESS OGG:  Um,  I think right now I have it in Corporal Leitner's office.  Right, Jim?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, my lord.

EMPRESS OGG:  Very important that the Temple File be kept in a safe place.  That's why we have Corporal Leitner's weights sitting on it so that nobody moves it.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  That's right.

JAR JAR:  Me sees!  Only Big Jimbo be strong enough to lifta the weights offa the Temple File!

EMPRESS OGG:  Exactly, Jar Jar.  We wouldn't want anyone else to be able to look at it right?

JAR JAR:  That's why meesa and the Chronicle say you da bestest DA ever!

EMPRESS OGG:  And that's why I say you're the best newspaper reporter ever, Jar Jar!

Episode One: The Phantom Kimness - A One Act Sci-Fi Play

SCENE:  A small Y-Wing transport ship flies toward a Space Craft Base.  [INTERIOR] A human inside a healing Bacta tank is awakened by associate droids.

DROID:  Lord DeGuerin, Admiral Schneider has arrived.

DEGUERIN:  Send him in, Jim.

The DROID retreats through the doorway, as ADMIRAL SCHNEIDER enters, and kneels.

SCHNEIDER:  Lord Vade . . .

DEGUERIN:  DeGuerin.  It's Lord DeGuerin.  This blog doesn't have the money to pay royalty fees.

SCHNEIDER:  Oops.  Sorry.  Lord DeGuerin.

DEGUERIN:  Rise, Admiral Stanley.

SCHNEIDER:  You wanted to see me, your worship?

DEGUERIN:  Yes.  You've been making some statements to Jar Jar . . .

SCHNEIDER:  Binks?

DEGUERIN:  No, Rogers.  With the Chronicle.

SCHNEIDER:  I think his name is Brian.

DEGUERIN:  Whatever.  Anyway,  you've been making statements about the Temple case.

SCHNEIDER:  Yes!  I thought with Empress Ogg finally taking over . . .

DEGUERIN:  Silence!!

SCHNEIDER:  Yes, my lord.

DEGUERIN:  You made a lot of statements to Jar Jar.

SCHNEIDER:  Brian.

DEGUERIN:  Whatever.  You made a lot of statements to the Houston Chronicle about Empress Ogg's plans regarding the Temple case.

SCHNEIDER:  Yeah, I basically told them how she was going to spend the next couple of months acting like she was really thinking hard about what to do and then dismiss it.

DEGUERIN:  Fool, what part of "Phantom" in Phantom Menace do you not get?

SCHNEIDER:  I don't understand.

DEGUERIN:  It is supposed to be a secret, you imbecile.

SCHNEIDER:  It is?  I thought when she hired Clappart and Denholm that we were all totally out in the open . . .

DEGUERIN:  Silence!

SCHNEIDER:  Sorry!

DEGUERIN:  Empress Ogg does not wish to reveal herself to the Je --

SCHNEIDER [Interupting]:  . . .  General public (remember licensing).

DEGUERIN:  Oh.  Thank you.  Yes, General public.  She does not wish to reveal her plans to the general public yet, or there may be dissent.

SCHNEIDER:  Dissent?  Why would there be dissent?  Why would anyone fail to support the Empress if she were to dismiss the Temple case?

DEGUERIN:  Apparently, there are some fools who believe his case should be retried.

SCHNEIDER:  Have we not vilified Siegler enough?

DEGUERIN:  Of course we have.

SCHNEIDER:  What about the alternative theory of pinning it on the disgruntled high school children?

DEGUERIN:  That was a more foolish idea than adding Ewoks to Return of the Jedi.

SCHNEIDER:  But we had General Gotro add Finding 37 . . .

DEGUERIN:  And she got caught.  That was foolish.

SCHNEIDER:  I told her not to do it.

DEGUERIN:  I thought you said it was an accident.

SCHNEIDER:  Whatever.  Bygones.

DEGUERIN:  The fact of the matter is that we must continue to operate in complete secrecy.  No one can know what we are doing on the Temple case.

SCHNEIDER:  I'm pretty sure everyone knows at this point.

DEGUERIN:  Silence!  We have the time to make this all go away after we are done.

SCHNEIDER:  But the Empress said in her campaign ads that she was here for the victims . . .

DEGUERIN:  She said she would never jail a rape victim.

SCHNEIDER:  That's what I mean.

DEGUERIN:  This isn't that type of case.

SCHNEIDER:  Oh.  But what about other victims?

DEGUERIN:  We've made the phone number for Victim Witness unlisted.  It will be another three and a half years until the next election . . .

SCHNEIDER:  Wait, I forgot that she has to run for re-election.

DEGUERIN:  It's okay.  So has she.

One of My Odder Facebook Friend Requests . . .

I had this pop up in my Facebook feed a few days before Christmas, unexpectedly.

It was Christmas Time, so I thought in the spirit of the season, I'd accept.

Alas, he unfriended me a few days later.

Such a tease, Jim.  Such a tease.