SCENE -- the Interior of NFL Owner Patricia R. Lykos. LYKOS sits behind a large desk, marveling over her hardwood floors. The phone on her desk rings.
SECRETARY: Ms. Lykos, Coach Leitner is here to see you.
LYKOS: Send him in.
DOOR OPENS. ENTER COACH LEITNER
LEITNER: Greetings, Your Holiness.
LYKOS: Coach, great to see you. Great job this weekend. How are things?
LEITNER: Well, we got an interesting phone call this morning.
LYKOS: From who?
LEITNER: Coach DeGuerin from the Dolphins.
LYKOS: DeGuerin? I LOVE that guy! Everybody loves Coach DeGuerin.
LEITNER: Um, yes. Well, everyone in Miami loves Coach DeGuerin. He's not really on our team.
LYKOS: You know under my administration that I don't like to consider opposing teams as if they are, you know... opposing.
LEITNER: Yes ma'am.
LYKOS: So what did Coach DeGuerin call about?
LEITNER: Well, he'd like to replay Sunday's game against us.
LYKOS: What?! That's crazy. Didn't we beat the Dolphins fair and square? For the third time in a row?
LEITNER: Well, yes, ma'am.
LYKOS: And didn't we have twelve referees and a line judge who decided the game? And instant replay?
LEITNER: Yes. But, it's Coach DeGuerin!
LYKOS: Well, you do have a point. I'm listening. Why does he think he deserves a new game?
LEITNER: Well, he has some new information.
LYKOS: New information? You mean like a new player?
LEITNER: No, ma'am. He still has the same group of players, but he claims that he only recently learned from an outside source that one of the players could help him win the game.
LYKOS: What's this outside source's name?
LEITNER: He'd like to keep it anonymous. He's afraid of death threats.
LYKOS: I see. And what's this new information?
LEITNER: He says they should have played a different quarterback.
LYKOS: Why didn't this source tell them that before the game started?
LEITNER: He just watched the game on his DVR a couple of hours ago and suddenly remembered that the backup quarterback was the better athlete.
LYKOS: Does he have personal knowledge that the back up would have been better?
LEITNER: He says they used to hang out together in high school.
LYKOS: Did he see the other quarterback play football?
LYKOS: Did the other quarterback tell him that he was better at football?
LEITNER: No. But the unnamed source said that the backup quarterback told him that he once kicked a dog.
LYKOS: What does that have to do with football?
LEITNER: He said it was a "code." Remember, it is Coach DeGuerin.
LYKOS: You make a good point. I'm inclined to agree.
LEITNER: Coach DeGuerin has a few other requests . . .
LYKOS: Like what?
LEITNER: Well, he said that he didn't really like the job that Andre Johnson did. Said he was trying to win too hard.
LYKOS: Hmm. I see his point.
LEITNER: He'd like us to start a wide receiver who has a better working relationship with his receivers.
LYKOS: That's fair. I'm in so far.
LEITNER: Also, he's asked that we not let Matt Schaub start at quarterback.
LYKOS: What?! Did you see how much I just agreed to pay on Schaub's contract?
LEITNER: I know ma'am, but Coach DeGuerin pointed out that since Schaub was involved in the defeat on Sunday, he can't be a fair quarterback.
LYKOS: Well, Schaub did drub them pretty good.
LEITNER: He'd like to bring in Dan Marino to replace Schaub.
LYKOS: But he was a Dolphin!
LEITNER: Again, ma'am, we're talking about legendary coach Dick DeGuerin here.
LYKOS: Fine. Anything else?
LEITNER: He also wants us to bench Arian Foster, Owen Daniels, Brian Cushing, J.J. Watt and pretty much the whole defense.
LYKOS: He won't let us keep anybody from the defense?
LEITNER: He said we could use Kareem Jackson if we wanted.
LYKOS: (Sigh) This is ridiculous. But fine.
LEITNER: One last thing. He wants me replaced as Coach.
LYKOS: A lot of people want you replaced as coach, Jim. Who does DeGuerin want?
LEITNER: Don Shula.
LYKOS: Well, at least that makes a little sense.
LEITNER: So, do we agree to Coach DeGuerin's demands?
LYKOS: Of course! It's Coach DeGuerin! Did you forget that part?
LEITNER: I don't think the NFL is going to go for this.
LYKOS: That's because it's all political. Just have our team spokesman, what's his name? Hooper? Have him explain it to the fans. People always listen to him.