Thursday, September 13, 2012

If Pat Lykos Owned the Houston Texans: A One Act Play

SCENE -- the Interior of NFL Owner Patricia R. Lykos.  LYKOS sits behind a large desk, marveling over her hardwood floors.  The phone on her desk rings.

SECRETARY:  Ms. Lykos, Coach Leitner is here to see you.

LYKOS:  Send him in.

DOOR OPENS.  ENTER COACH LEITNER

LEITNER:  Greetings, Your Holiness.

LYKOS:  Coach, great to see you.  Great job this weekend.  How are things?

LEITNER:  Well, we got an interesting phone call this morning.

LYKOS:  From who?

LEITNER:  Coach DeGuerin from the Dolphins.

LYKOS:  DeGuerin?  I LOVE that guy!  Everybody loves Coach DeGuerin.

LEITNER:  Um, yes.  Well, everyone in Miami loves Coach DeGuerin.  He's not really on our team.

LYKOS:  You know under my administration that I don't like to consider opposing teams as if they are, you know... opposing.

LEITNER:  Yes ma'am.

LYKOS:  So what did Coach DeGuerin call about?

LEITNER:  Well, he'd like to replay Sunday's game against us.

LYKOS:  What?!  That's crazy.  Didn't we beat the Dolphins fair and square?  For the third time in a row?

LEITNER:  Well, yes, ma'am.

LYKOS:  And didn't we have twelve referees and a line judge who decided the game?  And instant replay?

LEITNER:  Yes.  But, it's Coach DeGuerin!

LYKOS:  Well, you do have a point.  I'm listening.  Why does he think he deserves a new game?

LEITNER:  Well, he has some new information.

LYKOS:  New information?  You mean like a new player?

LEITNER:  No, ma'am.  He still has the same group of players, but he claims that he only recently learned from an outside source that one of the players could help him win the game.

LYKOS:  What's this outside source's name?

LEITNER:  He'd like to keep it anonymous.  He's afraid of death threats.

LYKOS:  I see.  And what's this new information?

LEITNER:  He says they should have played a different quarterback.

LYKOS:  Why didn't this source tell them that before the game started?

LEITNER:  He just watched the game on his DVR a couple of hours ago and suddenly remembered that the backup quarterback was the better athlete.

LYKOS:  Does he have personal knowledge that the back up would have been better?

LEITNER:  He says they used to hang out together in high school.

LYKOS:  Did he see the other quarterback play football?

LEITNER:  No.

LYKOS:  Did the other quarterback tell him that he was better at football?

LEITNER:  No.  But the unnamed source said that the backup quarterback told him that he once kicked a dog.

LYKOS:  What does that have to do with football?

LEITNER:  He said it was a "code."  Remember, it is Coach DeGuerin.

LYKOS:  You make a good point.  I'm inclined to agree.

LEITNER:  Coach DeGuerin has a few other requests . . .

LYKOS:  Like what?

LEITNER:  Well, he said that he didn't really like the job that Andre Johnson did.  Said he was trying to win too hard.

LYKOS:  Hmm.  I see his point.

LEITNER:  He'd like us to start a wide receiver who has a better working relationship with his receivers.

LYKOS:  That's fair.  I'm in so far.

LEITNER:  Also, he's asked that we not let Matt Schaub start at quarterback.

LYKOS:  What?!  Did you see how much I just agreed to pay on Schaub's contract?

LEITNER:  I know ma'am, but Coach DeGuerin pointed out that since Schaub was involved in the defeat on Sunday, he can't be a fair quarterback.

LYKOS:  Well, Schaub did drub them pretty good.

LEITNER:  He'd like to bring in Dan Marino to replace Schaub.

LYKOS:  But he was a Dolphin!

LEITNER:  Again, ma'am, we're talking about legendary coach Dick DeGuerin here.

LYKOS:  Fine.  Anything else?

LEITNER:  He also wants us to bench Arian Foster, Owen Daniels, Brian Cushing, J.J. Watt and pretty much the whole defense.

LYKOS:  He won't let us keep anybody from the defense?

LEITNER:  He said we could use Kareem Jackson if we wanted.

LYKOS:  (Sigh)  This is ridiculous.  But fine.

LEITNER:  One last thing.  He wants me replaced as Coach.

LYKOS:  A lot of people want you replaced as coach, Jim.  Who does DeGuerin want?

LEITNER:  Don Shula.

LYKOS:  Well, at least that makes a little sense.

LEITNER:  So, do we agree to Coach DeGuerin's demands?

LYKOS:  Of course!  It's Coach DeGuerin!  Did you forget that part?

LEITNER:  I don't think the NFL is going to go for this.

LYKOS:  That's because it's all political.  Just have our team spokesman, what's his name?  Hooper?  Have him explain it to the fans.  People always listen to him.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Murr - retread the opinion and briefs. Kelly was constantly offsides and taking cheap shots. The CoA may have ruled that is wasn't a game changer but it was definitely dirty play. The State should never play dirty. As the ultimate enforcer of laws, prosecutors can not cut corners, take shortcuts or break rules.
Unfortunately under Lykos, this is becoming the standard operating procedures because so many ADAs are terrified of her.

Anonymous said...

Pure genius!

Anonymous said...

anon 7:39,

Don't confuse touch football with the NFL. The refs and all the instant re-play has and will continue to show that Kelly kicked your little buddy's ass fair and square.
Get in the arena and let's see if you perform better than you critique.

Anonymous said...

Excpet IRL, a possible innocence man could live the rest of his life in prison! Because nobody wants to look at convicts too closely! Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

LOVED this!

Anonymous said...

TL; DR

Rage

Anonymous said...

Does DH's wife know her own husband is talking bad about her on his blog? Some things are better left unsaid, even if they are true.

Anonymous said...

Rage,

UC;FS

ROTFLMAO :)

Anonymous said...

He's posting about fictitious complaints HE files against his EX-wife (very nice woman & great mom)and surprisingly she can't can't get anyone at the DA's office to stop him. He's also posted awful things about his own son - (like that will help fix his strained relationship with him...idiot!) His present wife (Palmer) is in on all of it - just part of Don's fun, fictional life.

Anonymous said...

Don mocks your analogy in the comment section of his blog.

I think you need some help finishing your story Murray:

Pat: Who else is on our team?
JL: So far, Don Hooper and RP.
Pat: I don't know about RP playing on the line. If one of the DT's says "Hi Racheal", she might run off the field in tears.
Pat: What about Don.
JL: He failed English this year. He's been benched. No pass, no play.

Anonymous said...

Article in the Chronicle web tonight and probably tomorrow's paper about Lykos' spending $360,000 on the training session. Her administration tries to justify it saying it needs to spend $1800/prosecutor but the writer points out the tuition per attendee is $550.

Murray is prominently mentioned in the article.

Anonymous said...

There isn't 200 Ada's going. Maybe 150 tops. Chiefs aren't required to go and are actually being told to cover all the courts.

Wonder how much of a kickback Pat is getting.

Anonymous said...

I HAD TO SHARE THIS FROM THE COMMENTS SECTION ON THE LATEST TEMPLE STORY THIS MORNING. I LAUGHED SO HARD I HAD TO GO HOME AND CHANGE.

snapped 7:56 AM on September 14, 2012
"Why would I misquote something when I've given the judge the exact transcripts and videos of it?" he (DeGuerin) said.
--because that's what arrogant liars do
"He (DeGuerin) declined to comment further,
--Since when has DeGuerin declined to comment further
"...noting that the records are under seal because the witness fears for his life."
--REALLY? Exactly who wants to kill this innocent kid you manipulated?
"It's all going to come out when we have a hearing," he (DeGuerin)said."
--It sure as heck is and you will be exposed for exactly who you are.....a pathetic little man

Twilight Zoned said...

Wee little Dick DeGuerin,
who'd have ever thought.
He'd be running scarin',
since his boy got caught.

The little bully's lost his mind,
can't remember fact from fiction.
We all know the rambling kind,
make-believe defines their diction.

Fellow dwarf Jimmy Leitner,
kissing Pat's hairy ass.
Wants to be just like her,
but he'll never get the pass.

Jimmy and Dick,
both flaming out.
Fast and quick,
lost their clout.

Jimmy the weasel has dug his grave,
He's lost all respect in the game.
Dick won't be there for the save,
He's a has been finishing lame.

Funny how things seem to fall into place,
when justice is a sacred oath.
DeGuerin and Leitner become a disgrace,
as Kelly Siegler turns 'em to toast.