Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Episode Two: Attack of the Clowns -- a One Act Sci-Fi Play

SCENE:  The Death Star orbits over Downtown Houston.  [INTERIOR] The Imperial Throne Room.  A shrouded figure peers over a desk, looking over important documents.  The door opens and an Imperial Officer shuffles in.  The shrouded figure looks up.

SHROUDED FIGURE:  What is it, Corporal Leitner?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  I'm sorry to interrupt you, Empress Ogg.  I know you are busy reviewing the Temple case.

EMPRESS OGG:  I'm not reviewing the Temple case, I'm looking at cases that I want to have Vice-Admiral Berg talk to the media about.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Wait.  Aren't those the expunged cases?  I don't think we are allowed to speak about cases that are expunged.  I thought talking about an expunged case was a 3rd Degree Felony.

EMPRESS OGG:  Silence!  "Expunged" means "talk a lot about" in Latin.  Everyone who went to law school knows that, Corporal.  Hmm.  This Buzbee case looks like a good talking point . . .

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You are letting Vice Admiral Berg talk to the media?  Empress Lykos never let me talk to the media when I was Vice Admiral.

EMPRESS OGG:  Can't imagine why . . .

CORPORAL LEITNER:  What do you mean?

EMPRESS OGG:  Nevermind, was there something you needed, Corporal?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, your majesty.  We must talk about the Intake System for the Death Star.

EMPRESS OGG:  What about it?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  We can't afford it anymore.

EMPRESS OGG:  What do you mean "we can't afford it?"

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Well, apparently after you took over and did things the way you wanted, we failed to calculate a budget for the Intake System.

EMPRESS OGG:  Do we need it?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Um, yes.  That is how we get the cases that are what keeps this building running.

EMPRESS OGG:  Dammit.  I barely have enough in the budget to pay for the fifteen Stormtroopers that I require to be guarding me at all times.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Fifteen?  You have fifteen Stormtroopers on your security detail?  I don't think President Trump has that many people.  Have there been threats against you?

EMPRESS OGG:  No, but it looks rockin' cool.  Kind of like Beyonce when she did the Super Bowl.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  For thirty years, the D.A.'s Office had had someone working intake 24/7.  We can't just stop doing that.

EMPRESS OGG:  You're right.  Just tell the Jawas that they have to work intake for free as part of their jobs.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Jawas?

EMPRESS OGG:  Jawas.  ADAs.  Whatever.  And let's just get one of our supervisors to just sit there and do nothing while they do all the work.  Somebody like Jabba.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The Hutt?

EMPRESS OGG:  No,  Denholm.

THE INTERCOM ON EMPRESS OGG'S DESK BUZZES.  EMPRESS OGG HITS A BUTTON.

EMPRESS OGG:  Go for Kimbra.

VOICE:  Empress Ogg, Jar Jar Rogers from the Chronicle is here to see you for your interview.

EMPRESS OGG:  Send him in.

A SLIDING DOOR ENTERS, and JAR JAR ROGERS comes bouncing into the room.

JAR JAR:  Oh, Mooey, Mooey, Boss Ogg!  Meesa so happy for happy positive article writing time about you today!

EMPRESS OGG:  It is always so good to see you, Jar Jar.

JAR JAR:  Meesa so happy to be writing about bestest D.A. Ever!

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Are you brainless?

JAR JAR:  Meesa know how to write!

CORPORAL LEITNER:  The ability to write for the Chronicle does not make one intelligent.

JAR JAR:  Mooey mooey, Boss Ogg, peoples be saying yousa be up to no good.  They saya you going to dismissa David Temple because you big buddy with Datha Deguerin.

EMPRESS OGG:  Nonsense, Jar Jar.  That is just angry talk from the old Jedis that I got rid of under Order 38.

JAR JAR:  Dose Jedis useda be my friends.

EMPRESS OGG:  They are very bad people, Jar Jar.  They say very bad things about me.

JAR JAR:  So do the Jawas!

EMPRESS OGG:  Silence!  That's not the point!  The point is that I am launching very thorough investigations into those Jedis who might have said bad things about me.

JAR JAR:  Is that againsta the law?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  You would think . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  It needs a thorough investigation.

JAR JAR:  Like yousa investigating David Temple?

EMPRESS OGG:  Um, sure.

JAR JAR:  Meesa want to get a picture of you investigating David Temple file!  Can meesa get a picture with you and the file?

EMPRESS OGG:  Of course!

AWKWARD SILENCE

JAR JAR:  Where da file?

EMPRESS OGG:  Um,  I think right now I have it in Corporal Leitner's office.  Right, Jim?

CORPORAL LEITNER:  Yes, my lord.

EMPRESS OGG:  Very important that the Temple File be kept in a safe place.  That's why we have Corporal Leitner's weights sitting on it so that nobody moves it.

CORPORAL LEITNER:  That's right.

JAR JAR:  Me sees!  Only Big Jimbo be strong enough to lifta the weights offa the Temple File!

EMPRESS OGG:  Exactly, Jar Jar.  We wouldn't want anyone else to be able to look at it right?

JAR JAR:  That's why meesa and the Chronicle say you da bestest DA ever!

EMPRESS OGG:  And that's why I say you're the best newspaper reporter ever, Jar Jar!




31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome!

Mark W. Stephens said...

I take it you've finally seen the light...sabre :)

Anonymous said...

I am continually amazed at your creative writing, particularly humor. If you ever choose to go into another area or direction I would suggest that you might consider writing "lawyer" books, perhaps with the fictional character being "Murray Oldman." John Mortimer did an outstanding job in his Rumpole of the Bailey series dealing with the life of an English barrister. Humor is most effective when it accurately describes a real world situation. You have done so. Again, a great job. Only sorry you endorsed Ogg!
Calvin A. Hartmann

Anonymous said...

How is the media not all over this?! Obviously Brian Rogers and the rest of the Chronicle is too in love with Ogg to write anything that isn't helpful to her but still. This is the clearest felony offense you can get. It was expunged. Aren't defense attorneys worried that she is throwing expunctions and prior deals out the window- laws against it be damned- as she sees fit and helpful to her agenda?? When you think she can't get worse...

Anonymous said...

Once again you have managed to shine a light on the real problems of Kim Ogg's administration (aka TKO - team Kim Ogg) by using humor, albeit humor founded in reality. Part of that reality is that it is neither feasible nor likely that Ogg alone will "thoroughly review" the Temple case. It is very likely that she will dismiss the case and hold a press conference blaming Kelly Siegler even though you correctly pointed out that Kelly has no connection with the case now. The case can be retried; witnesses are available, and, an often overlooked fact is that the Court of Criminal Appeals rejected Temple's claim of innocence. Yes, it is the height of impropriety that Ogg allows the Temple defense to host a fundraiser for her. Why would Ogg arrange for the office to be recused in all other first-degree felony cases while still maintaining a grip on the first-degree felony Temple case? Maybe because of a campaign promise? Maybe to increase her campaign coffers? Maybe to take a public jab at Kelly Seigler - a better lawyer than Kim could ever hope to be?

Maybe for all of the above? However, bottom line - there is no good answer.

Anonymous said...

So does anyone know why there was a blowup between Durfee and Kim Jon Ogg yesterday? I have my suspicions. And did he quit or not? And what does David Mitchum do now? His BFF got into it with the dear leader.

Anonymous said...

Guys, violating an expunction order is a class B misdemeanor, not a felony.

Anonymous said...

Well if Ogg is only breaking the law a little bit, then no big deal. It isn't an ethical problem to break the law and violate a person's rights for political gain if it's just a class B.

Anonymous said...

It will come to a point where Durfee will have to decide whether his law license, reputation, and personal ethics are more important than following Kim down her dark agenda. Time will tell...

Anonymous said...

Mr. Hooper says "Clearly not in the know surrounding Durfee’s departure." Does that mean that he is not in the know or that readers of this blog are not in the know? Also, how would he be in the know since his only HCDAO contact is the head of grand jury who knows nothing?

Anonymous said...

To answer a side comment, The Houston Chronicle is owned by the Hearst Corporation, it's board full of anti-death penalty crusaders such as Will Hearst, Steven Swartz, and Mark Aldam; those hired in major roles for the media outlet all given a litmus test in that regard. If you ask former editorial staff and reporters, just about the only consistent edict they were given was in relation to ending the death penalty by framing public opinion.

Blaming Brian Rogers for his questionable writing assumes that was his chosen field, the man a failure as an attorney and unable to find consistent employment as a reporter all easy enough to research. To his employer, he's just the nameless hack assigned slant pieces to write, a gun for hire type that doesn't believe in proofreading given what appears in the Chronicle. You might as well complain how a rock can't carry on a conversation as find fault in his articles, most believing he writes to spec, doing what he's told to keep his job this time.

Anonymous said...

Don't quote me here, but I heard the blowup regarded whether Kimbra would let Durfee see the glass case in which she keeps his bal- eh, never mind.

Anonymous said...

Only you could make me laugh at the pathetic situation the DA's office is in. OMG I was so unprepared for that when I opened this blog today. Thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

"...I heard the blowup regarded whether Kimbra would let Durfee see the glass case in which she keeps his bal..."
-Anonymous at 4:12

Anonymous said...

Lykos was stupid. She tended to surround herself with sycophants and other stupid people. This woman we got now is crazy! Certifiable bat shit fucking crazy! I recommend that all ADA's record every conversation you have with her. Voice activated digital recorders are small and really cheap these days. She is so damned paranoid, it should at least be justified, you know? Texas is a one party consent state for recording conversations.

Anonymous said...

"An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last." -Winston Churchill

Anonymous said...

Sorry to say 6:16 p.m. that you're a little slow on the uptake - been recording since day one and so have others. After all, how can you trust someone who would summarily fire 38 prosecutors not to mention all of the other batshit stuff that has gone on in the last 2 months.

Theodis Butler said...

You people have it all wrong. D.A. Kim Ogg is a good woman and fearless leader. Do you really want Devon Anderson back? Destruction of evidence is serious and calls for a Court of Inquiry. None of which occurred.

As a victim of some of the former ADA's she fired, I would say she did the right thing! Maria McAnulty was the worst! Good riddance.

Good article, I found it informative and well written.

"You will join us or die. We got Death Star."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYsKR_IaOQ8

Anonymous said...

"As a victim of some of the former ADA's [sic] she fired...." I can only assume that means you were prosecuted multiple times.

Theodis Butler said...

Yes. And as an anonymous commenter, I can only assume you work for the HCDAO or more likely used to work there. Or you don't know your 1st Amendment Rights. That Harris County is a plea mill.

Murray Newman said...

Mr. Butler,

I appreciate you writing in instead of just hacking my blog. How's the new job?

I don't think you need to be refreshing the Anonymous commenters on the 1st Amendment. The vast majority of the expelled D.A.'s lost their jobs for exercising their 1st Amendment right to support Devon Anderson.

I'm glad you like Kim. Contrary to popular belief, I like her too. She even spoke to me when I saw her in court last week. She just needs to focus her attention towards actual crime rather than tracking down people who have offended her.

Anonymous said...

This piece reminded me of how much I fucking hated the Jar Jar character.

Anonymous said...

Can someone confirm if Durfee quit (again) for good this time?

Anonymous said...

Why the fascination with Durfee here?

Anonymous said...

Rumor is he turned in his notice. Can't confirm though.

Anonymous said...

Obviously you can't confirm. Quit spreading rumors about people you don't know.

Rule 1 of working in the bunker: If you don't personally know the source of a rumor, it's not true. The number of wild rumors I've heard since January is three times the number of rumors I hear four the prior four years.

Anonymous said...

Someone should remind Kim and the "lawyers" she hired that sexual harassment is BAD.

Anonymous said...

Umm... did I miss something?

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:07-just wait. It's slowly getting out.

Anonymous said...

So if you report sexual harassment to the appropriate supervisor and the supervisor tells you to withdraw the complaint, does that mean it did not happen?

Anonymous said...

So if a supervisor tells you to withdraw a sexual harassment complaint does that make a great lawsuit for the complainant?