SCENE: It is only minutes until midnight on December 31, 2020, and Droids are busily signing off on paperwork on STAR DESTROYER INTAKE under the supervision of CORPORAL LEITNER. The space hatch doors open and in comes the ADVANCE TEAM led by a beleaguered CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM. LEITNER salutes MITCHAM.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Vice-Admiral, you're . . . early.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: I decided it would be wise to arrive prior to the Empress to make sure everything was running smoothly. We cannot afford another embarrassment in front of her. She's fired so many that we hardly have anyone left.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Very good, sir.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: What are all of these droids doing?
CORPORAL LEITNER: They are signing Probable Cause complaints, sir.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: What?! Didn't the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals just rule that was illegal?
CORPORAL LEITNER: Yes sir, but we've appealed it to the Louisiana Supreme Court.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: What? Why? Why would you ask one state to intervene in another state's business?
CORPORAL LEITNER: Empress Ogg called it "the Ken Paxton Doctrine" and it should work fine.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: I'm going to need the Intake Droids to stop signing those complaints until we have a ruling on that.
CORPORAL LEITNER: You heard the Co-Vice-Admiral. Stop signing. You may go back to watching CNN on your computers.
THE INTAKE DROIDS ALL DROP THEIR PENS IN UNISON AND TURN ON THEIR COMPUTER MONITORS. THE NEWS BROADCASTS OVER ONE OF THE SPEAKERS.
COMPUTER: Next, on CNN . . . he was once a respected member of law enforcement before he destroyed his own reputation by selling his integrity to a group of extremists and an authoritarian despot. Now, he suddenly finds himself out of a job . . .
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Why is CNN doing a story on Steve Clappart?
COMPUTER: . . . Coming up, our story on former Attorney General William Barr.
CO-VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Oops. My bad.
THE SPACE HATCH OPENS AND JAR JAR ROGERS AND CAD DANE COME ABOARD.
JAR JAR ROGERS: Mooey mooey, it's the mostest bestest time of the year! Empress Ogg is being sworn in for another four years!
CORPORAL LEITNER: You don't get out much, do you, Jar Jar?
CAD DANE: We need everyone working hard when Empress arrives. There will be photo opportunities while the Empress is being sworn in. Then, to show that she's an Empress of the People, she will answer some calls at intake and take some questions from the media.
JAR JAR ROGERS: Mooey mooey, I hope they send IG-88 Oberg! He's mooey mooey tall!
THE SPACE HATCH OPENS AND EMPRESS KIM OGG ENTERS, FOLLOWED BY CO-VICE ADMIRAL KING. THEY GREET CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM AND CORPORAL LEITNER.
EMPRESS OGG: Greetings! Greetings on this glorious day! I hope you are all as happy to be here as I am!
CO-VICE ADMIRAL KING: Happy New Year, Jim & New Tom Berg.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Vivian, what brings you up here on New Year's Eve?
CO-VICE ADMIRAL KING: I'm second in command now. I've got to get sworn in.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: I believe the office flow chart makes us both second in command.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL KING: That's the old flow chart, NTB. I got an upgrade in title. Now, I'm CO-Vice Admiral And Director King.
JAR JAR: That's a mooey long title!
CO-VICE ADMIRAL AND DIRECTOR KING: Yes, it is, Jar Jar. That is why I will be shortening it to an acronym. From now on, everyone will refer to me as COVAD King.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Um, you sure you want to go with that acronym?
COVAD KING: Shut up, New Tom Berg. Nobody asked you. You're just a vice principal.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Vice Admiral.
COVAD KING: You don't know me. I'm Board Certified in Criminal Law.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: And I thought that I had heard you had put in an application to be the new U.S. Attorney for the Southern District.
COVAD KING: So what? So did the Empress.
EMPRESS OGG: No I didn't!
CAD BANE: Again, Empress, if you would please put your hand behind your back when crossing your fingers . . .
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Well, this seems awkward.
EMPRESS OGG: Enough! Today is a celebration. Let's not have petty infighting. I have won a hard-fought battle against a strong opponent, but the electorate sent a clear message that they loved them some Kimbra!
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Well, to be fair, there was some pretty strong anti-Trump backlash that led to literally all Democratic candidates winning in Harris County elections.
EMPRESS OGG: Silence!!!! Not even you with your clinical accuracy will bring me down on this day, David. Let's get down to business. Somebody swear me in!
COVAD KING: I'll do it. Do you, Empress Kimbra Ogg, first of her name, hereby solemnly swear to uphold the Constitution and Laws of the United States, as well as the Constitution and Laws of the State of Texas, so help you God?
EMPRESS OGG: You betcha.
CAD DANE: Empress, could you please put your hand behind your back, I'm afraid your crossed fingers might be in the photos.
EMPRESS OGG: My bad. Now, do we have any questions from the media?
EVERYONE LOOKS AROUND AWKWARDLY.
CAD DANE: Um, I think all of the media is probably covering New Year's Eve festivities.
JAR JAR: Meesa don't think so. All deesa activities is closed because of da Covid.
CAD DANE: Would you shut up, you idiot? Empress, I will write up a summary for a press release for this glorious day!
EMPRESS OGG: Oh, I would love that, Cad Dane. I do love your publication that you send me! It's so wonderful to read members of the press confirming what a great job I'm doing! Tell me the name of it again! The Onion?
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM (TO DANE): I thought it was called The Informal.
CAD DANE: The Informal has too much bad news about her. I always send her The Onion. She thinks it's real. Keeps her happy.
EMPRESS OGG: Are there any questions, Cad Dane?
CAD DANE: Um, sure. Empress Ogg, you've done such an amazing job during your first term as you've been solving Houston's crime problem by indicting Gerald Goines 57 times, all the while working on your own version of the COVID vaccine. What do you see as your biggest challenge for your second term?
EMPRESS OGG: What a lovely question! Well, Cad Dane, obviously the pandemic has had a tremendous effect on the criminal justice system in Harris County, and it has created a backlog of cases. Backlogs lead to delays, and we ALL know how much defense attorneys love delays. It gives them more time to tamper with and sometimes murder witnesses against their clients.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Did she say "murder?"
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Shhhhh.
THE INTAKE PHONE RINGS AND EMPRESS OGG ANSWERS ON SPEAKERPHONE.
EMPRESS OGG: You've reached Empress Ogg's District Attorney's Office Intake, brought to you courtesy of Empress Ogg. You're on the phone with Empress Ogg.
OFFICER ON PHONE: Um, yeah. I pulled over a vehicle for speeding, made contact with the driver. There was an odor of alcohol so I ---
EMPRESS OGG: Say no more, officer, I accept the charges. And you may put "Ogg" as the accepting DA. That's O-G, as in "that Kimbra is an O.G.," with an extra G at the end, because one just isn't enough.
OFFICER ON PHONE: Did you want to hear the details of the field sobriety tests, ma'am?
EMPRESS OGG: No need. I'm 100% certain that it is an extremely strong case and I give you my word that no one in my office will never ever dismiss it under any circumstances.
EMPRESS OGG (TO CAD DANE): Anyway, as I continue to work on a vaccine, that I like to call "A Little Shot of Kimbra," I have been in daily phone calls with Pfizer, because they want help with their vaccine as well. In the meantime, the Death Star is becoming overcrowded with more and more prisoners. Something needs to be done to alleviate the pressure and overcrowding. We need to move more cases out, but these delay-loving defense attorneys just don't want to play ball.
THE INTAKE PHONE RINGS AGAIN AND OGG ANSWERS.
OFFICER ON THE PHONE: Yeah, this is Officer --
EMPRESS OGG: No time to talk. I accept charges. The name is Ogg. O.G. with another G at the end. Bye, now.
EMPRESS OGG (TO CAD DANE): As I was saying, there has to be something to stop the massive build-up of incarcerated prisoners in the Death Star, but the Defense Bar just doesn't want that. This is all their fault. I'm currently trying to encourage judges to hold trials where the jury can just take our prosecutors' word for what the witnesses would say if they were there. This alleviates any concerns about social distancing and can speed up getting cases tried.
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Um, Empress Ogg, that would violate the Confrontation Clause.
EMPRESS OGG: The what, now?
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Remember how you swore to uphold the Constitution a few minutes ago?
EMPRESS OGG: Good God, David. You act like you've never seen crossed fingers before.
THE INTAKE PHONE RINGS AGAIN AND OGG ANSWERS.
EMPRESS OGG: I accept charges. Name's Ogg. O to the double G. Bye, now.
CORPORAL LEITNER: He didn't even tell you what he was calling about, Empress.
EMPRESS OGG: Very funny, Jimbo. I've seen the charges that have been coming out of intake this year. Are you really trying to insinuate that YOU are doing much more than that?
CO-VICE ADMIRAL MITCHAM: She does have a point . . .
EMPRESS OGG: So anyway, Cad Dane, I look forward to reading your write up. I look forward to everyone knowing that I'm the most Progressive, Law & Order, Rehabilitative, Lock 'Em Up, anti-Police, pro-Police, Bond Reforming, Bond Revoking Prosecutor that this county has ever seen! IG-88 Oberg will be sorry that he missed being here tonight! These next four years are going to just fly by.