January 12th – An Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled after he is found safely in his office on the 6th floor. The alert had been issued on January 2nd when he left for work and then was not heard from. Greenwood explained that it always takes him 10 days to get to work.
February 10th- An infuriated Pat Lykos denounces the release of a video of HPD officers beating a handcuffed and surrendering teenager, Chad Holley, to local media. Although having campaigned on the platform of “transparency,” she declares that there are some things that the public should never get to see – kind of like they should never get to see her ever actually going to trial, having integrity, etc.
February 16th – An attempted morale boosting exercise on the part of Misdemeanor Chief John Jordan goes horribly awry when local media learn of a reward system for guilty verdicts secured from misdemeanor prosecutors. The reward of an afternoon of bowling meets with little complaint from the rank and file; however, the punishment of “Seven Minutes of Heaven” in a closet with Lykos for losing prosecutors causes an uproar.
March 1st – Daycare worker Jessica Tata flees the country to Nigeria before the District Attorney’s Office will agree to file charges on her for the deaths of four children in her care during a house fire. D.A. Lykos angrily denounces HFD’s Fire Marshal for not filing charges earlier once she realizes that Tata’s frequent flier miles are not transferable to her in an asset forfeiture.
March 19th – Pat Lykos amends the District Attorney’s Operations Manual to include a guideline on how ADAs must conduct themselves if participating in any campaigns during the 2012 elections. Rule Number One is that no candidate may speak of any affiliation with Pat Lykos and the District Attorney’s Office. Yeah. Seriously. Apparently the First Rule of Pat Lykos is that there IS no Pat Lykos.
March 21st – Jessica Tata is apprehended in Nigeria. She insists that she had not fled the country to avoid prosecution; rather, she had just “carpooled in” with Clint Greenwood, and it always takes him ten days to get from his house to the courthouse.
March 25th – In response to mandatory budget cuts, the Lykos Administration tightens its belt on fiscal matters. Several prosecutors and Administrative Assistants are terminated, and the solid gold statue of Lykos for the front lobby is trimmed down from 10 feet tall to a life-sized statue of 5’1.
March 29th – County Court at Law # 4 Judge John Clinton finds himself in hot water for ordering conditions of probation that involve going to church, thus violating the separation between Church and State. A supportive Pat Lykos rallies to Judge Clinton’s defense, pointing out that all of her upper-Administration are required to worship her or be burned at the stake, as dictated in the Bible.
April 10th – Another Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled when he is found safely in his office. Greenwood had last been seen on April 1st when he left the office to go to lunch. Greenwood explains that it always takes him 10 days to get back to the office after lunch.
April 23rd – After years of telling the Harris County Criminal Justice System how to do its job, Houston Chronicle columnist Rick Casey finally does a little background research and goes to jury duty. He points out that all jurors that are struck for cause are “conscientious objectors against the war on drugs.” Furthermore, based on the body language he is reading from the judge and the prosecutor, he can tell they oppose the drug war, too. Then he remembers that he may have eaten one of his “special brownies” for breakfast. This is further evidenced by the fact that the case he was observing was a traffic ticket appeal.
May 27th – Pat Lykos hires Heather Ramsey Cook as Office’s new “Community Liason” officer, in lieu of hiring actual prosecutors to work at the Office. Heather, who had initially come to the Office as part of the hastily assembled search party for Clint Greenwood, announces that she will be doing nothing political in her job. Rather, she was only there to help citizens of the community communicate with Her Holiness Patricia R. Lykos, Patron Saint of Harris County.
June 1st – A Court of Appeals reverses the Criminally Negligent Homicide conviction of Jeri Montgomery, who had been convicted of causing a fatality accident while talking on her cellular telephone. Pat Lykos, who had previously called Montgomery “selfish and narcissistic” in the newspapers, dispatches community liaison Heather Ramsey Cook to meet with Montgomery. Heather explains that what Lykos had meant to call her was “awesome and pretty” but got misquoted. Furthermore, Pat hopes she can still count on Montgomery’s vote in March 2012!
June 10th – Longtime prosecutor Kevin Petroff resigns from Harris County to go to work for the Galveston County District Attorney’s Office. Petroff explains the departure by saying that since he recently turned 16, he can now drive to Galveston on his own, without an adult passenger to supervise him on his learner’s permit.
July 17th – Yet another Amber Alert for Clint Greenwood is cancelled when he is again found safely in his Office. Greenwood had been missing since July 7th when he was last seen going to use the restroom. Greenwood explained that it always takes him 10 days to get back to his office after using the restroom.
August 1st – Allegations that HPD’s mobile “B.A.T. vans” are unreliable begin to pick up steam as possible Brady material in DWI cases. The District Attorney’s Office remains unconcerned about the allegations, telling younger prosecutors, “It isn’t ‘Brady’ if nobody knows about it, now is it?”
August 3rd – Defense attorney and proud veteran Pat McCann has his head shaved in the 228th District Court, honoring a bet with participants in Veterans’ Court. McCann had not shaved nor had a haircut in the 10 months preceding. Local blogger Murray Newman is seen sweeping up the hair on the floor and heading back to his office with the hair and a bottle of super glue.
August 19th – A video from Jersey Village high school days hits the internet, with a then-17-year-old Todd Dupont performing in a music video to the tune of Madonna’s Vogue. A visibly rattled Dupont says, “Oh thank God, it was just that video. I was scared a different one was going to be released.”
September 6th – Longtime columnist for the Houston Chronicle, Rick Casey, leaves the newspaper. Apparently writing columns with little to no research had become too exhausting.
September 7th – Legendary icon of the Harris County Criminal Justice System, Rayford Carter passes away after a lengthy illness. His passing officially makes Pat Lykos the oldest and most cantankerous defense attorney in the building.
September 28th – Local defense attorney and Botox aficionado Brian Wice writes a controversial editorial in the Houston Chronicle criticizing prosecutors’ reactions to a Not Guilty verdict in the Michael Brown trial. Wice’s original editorial, entitled “Hey! I Was One of the Defense Attorneys On That Case Too!” was scrapped after fact checkers for the Chronicle could not confirm that it was Wice’s bald spot that appeared next to lead counsel Dick DeGeurin in all of the media coverage.
October 4th – The Harris County District Attorney’s Office lobbies to have Lone Star College’s contract with the county (for testing Intoxilyzers) cancelled after learning that former-HPD chemist Amanda Culbertson now works for them. Lykos denies that the cancelling of the contract was retaliation for Culbertson whistle-blowing on the HPD “B.A.T." vans. She also denies that cancelling her cable subscription was motivated because “Comcast still has that damn Channel 13 with that jackass Oberg” as part of their line-up.
October 21st – The 185th Grand Jury kicks Harris County prosecutors out of the room as they hear from witnesses regarding the B.A.T. van scandal. Lykos and Crew angrily insist that there is a conspiracy of people out to get her because “they don’t like her.” She then identifies the people involved in the conspiracy as Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the defense bar, and 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office.
October 24th – Pat Lykos is caught trying to mislead ABC 13’s Ted Oberg in an interview, stating that she had never heard of any BAT van problems “from HPD’s crime lab.” When called out on her deception, Lykos tries the old “Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct” maneuver, which fails miserably. (NOTE: Seriously, go back and watch the video of the interview. It’s disturbing.)
October 26th – Numerous prosecutors from the Harris County District Attorney’s Office are subpoenaed to appear before the 185th Grand Jury. District Attorney Pat Lykos refuses to go unless allowed to bring a “comfort item” while testifying. That comfort item? A carton of Camel filterless cigarettes.
November 2nd – Pat Lykos testifies to the Grand Jury that she never sought to have Amanda Culbertson fired from Lone Star College for retaliatory reasons. She also denies that the reason she attempted to have Ted Oberg fired from Channel 13 and Murray Newman fired from the Law Offices of Murray Newman was retaliatory, either.
November 7th – Prosecutors Carl Hobbs and Steve Morris are brought before the 185th District Court on a Show Cause hearing to explain why they were in possession of highly confidential Grand Jury transcripts from a proceeding that the District Attorney’s Office had been recused from. Pat Lykos denies having anything to do with the unfortunate event and quickly cancels her idea to add G. Gordon Liddy and E. Howard Hunt to the D.A. Office payroll.
November 29th – Numerous police unions including HPD’s and the HCSO’s hold a press conference to announce that they have “No confidence” in District Attorney Pat Lykos. An angry Pat Lykos denounces the Unions as being part of the ever-growing “conspiracy” of people out to get her, which now includes Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the Defense Bar, 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office, Girl Scout Troops 3-17, her 3rd cousin, Barney Lykos, and Rick, the guy who gives out M&Ms in front of the courthouse.
November 30th – Judge Mike Anderson announces his candidacy for Harris County District Attorney. An office memo from the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight is issued to the rest of the office, stating: “You better not let us catch any of you bastards smiling about this.”
In a related story, local blogger Murray Newman ponders the future of his blog if the D.A.’s Office is no longer run by a mean, ignorant, power-mad politician who gives him so much material to write about on a daily basis.
December 13th – A second Grand Jury asks for a Special Prosecutor to assist in investigating allegations of wrong-doing by Pat Lykos’ Harris County District Attorney’s Office. An angry Lykos adds 232nd Judge Mary Lou Keel to her list of people out to get her, along with the Police Unions, Judge Mike Anderson, Judges Marc and Susan Brown, the Defense Bar, 99.9% of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office, Girl Scout Troops 3-17, her 3rd cousin, Barney Lykos, Rick, the guy who gives out M&Ms in front of the courthouse, Nick Lykos, the Reverend Billy Graham, and an actual partridge in a pear tree.
December 19th – In an effort to keep from having to testify to the 185th Grand Jury, Assistant District Attorney Rachel Palmer invokes her 5th Amendment and subsequently files a Motion to Recuse Judge Susan Brown. Palmer’s attorney, Clay Rawlings asks to continue the hearing for ten days to provide ADA Clint Greenwood his customary ten days needed to arrive at the courthouse so that he can testify.
December 21st – Fresh off of being told by Judge Susan Brown that she did not have to talk to the 185th Grand Jury, Rachel Palmer heads down to Channel 11 to talk to them. In the interview, Palmer explains that the reason she invoked her 5th Amendment rights in front of the Grand Jury had nothing to do with retaliating against Amanda Culbertson. In actuality, Palmer states she just didn’t want to explain why she declared “sick time” on her time sheet when she was really in Dallas for a Hello Kitty Fan Club convention.
December 25th – After a lackluster Christmas, Pat Lykos adds Santa Claus to the list of conspirators out to get her because they don’t like her. As evidence of this conspiracy, Lykos provides photographs of Santa meeting with several members of Girl Scout Troops 3-17.
December 27th – In an interview with local Republican blogger David Jennings, Pat Lykos insists that she has hired somewhere between 20 and 25 new prosecutors over the past several months. Unfortunately, all of her three media relations people (Donna Hawkins, Heather Ramsey Cook and David Benzion) had been too busy doing “other things” to announce a move by the Office that actually had something to with the administration of Criminal Justice.
December 30th – In a private ceremony held in Pat Lykos’ office on the 6th floor of the CJC, Rachel Palmer is named Employee of the Year, given the Harris County District Attorney’s Medal of Valor, and then quietly shipped off to Appellate where she can spend the day doing nothing, along with other Lykos political beneficiary Lana Shadwick.
December 31st – After learning that the 185th Grand Jury will not be meeting again until the beginning of 2012, Pat Lykos declares that the official slogan for her re-election campaign will be: “Indictment Free Through Years One, Two and Three!”