REF: Okay, so it is my understanding that one of your players wanted to talk to me, Coach?
COACH (Sighing Heavily): Yes, Ref. Against my advice.
REF: Okay. To avoid the appearance of impropriety, I've asked Chiefs' Coach Reid to join us.
PLAYER: Good! I want to talk to him, too.
COACH: No, you don't.
PLAYER: See what I'm dealing with here, Ref?
REF: What seems to be the problem?
PLAYER: So, basically, I want to win the game.
REF: That's good. Everyone should want to win their game.
PLAYER: Yeah, but it's like Coach isn't even trying to help us.
REF: What's going on?
PLAYER: Well, he's saying that we're playing the Chiefs and that Chiefs are really good.
REF: Well, obviously, as Referee, I don't know anything about how the game will turn out, but I do know that the Chiefs usually do play pretty well at home.
COACH: That's what I was trying to tell him, Ref.
PLAYER: I keep trying to tell him that I want to win and all he does is keep going on and on about "Patrick Mahomes is really good" and "You don't have a chance."
COACH: I never said we didn't have a chance!
REF: Sir, I've known your Coach for a very long time. I've seen him win some tough games and I've seen him lose some tough games, but he does always try very hard to help his team win.
PLAYER: I'm just not seeing it, Ref. He didn't even ask Coach Reid if he would let us win.
REF: Let you win?
COACH REID: Yeah, I'm not going to do that.
PLAYER STARES AT COACH REID, INCREDULOUS.
PLAYER: You let the Titans win.
COACH REID: That was a tough game, but we did not just let them win.
PLAYER: You let the Ravens win.
COACH REID: We did not "let" the Ravens win.
PLAYER: Look, I just to win for my family. I've got a home that I need to make the mortgage on. My mom is going to be watching the game. My kids are coming. I just need to win.
COACH: We are going to try to win! We have several things to work with.
PLAYER: Can you guarantee me that we're going to win?
REF, COACH & COACH REID (in unison): NO.
PLAYER: Ref, can YOU make us win? Maybe, tell Coach Reid that we have to win?
REF: I'm not going to do that. I'm the Referee. I'm just here to make sure it is a fair game.
PLAYER: I've been doing everything I can to make us win. I've been working out. I've been running . . .
REF: That's good.
PLAYER: . . . I've been taking some performance-enhancing medicine . . .
REF: Wait, what?
COACH (hitting himself in the head with a clipboard repeatedly): And THIS is why I told you that we should not be talking to the Ref.
PLAYER: Why not? It will help.
COACH REID: You've been using steroids?
PLAYER: Why are you writing that down on your clipboard?
COACH REID: I'm meeting with the Commissioner later.
PLAYER: I want to meet with the Commissioner too!
COACH REID: Oh, I have a feeling you will be meeting with him soon enough.
PLAYER: Anyways, Ref, my ankle is hurt and I'm not going to be able to keep up with Tyreek Hill. I've asked my Coach to at least file a request with the League to suppress Tyreek.
COACH: There are no grounds to suppress Tyreek Hill.
PLAYER: Did you file a request with the League to allow us to win?
COACH: There is no such thing.
PLAYER: Yeah right.
REF: Your coach is right, sir.
PLAYER: That's not what my friend D-Hop from the Cardinals told me and he won his game.
COACH: DeAndre Hopkins is a much stronger player than you are. It's a different set of circumstances.
PLAYER: Do you see him being so disrespectful to me?
REF: I have no comment.
PLAYER: I have asked Coach to fire himself.
COACH: I'm not going to fire myself. I'm completely capable of coaching the team.
PLAYER: Ref, can you make Bill Belichick my coach? He's a good coach.
COACH: I'M A GOOD COACH!
REF: I cannot appoint Bill Belichick to be your coach. Can you afford him on your own?
PLAYER: My teammates are trying to get the money together . . .
COACH: Please let me know the second you have enough money for Coach Belichick.
PLAYER: Can I just coach myself? I drew up some of my own plays that are going to help us win.
REF: You want to coach yourself?
PLAYER: It's better than this Coach who thinks we already lost.
COACH: I never said we already lost.
PLAYER: So, look, I drew up the play on this piece of paper. (SHOWS PAPER TO REF, COACH, & COACH REID)
COACH REID: Why do the Chiefs only have three defensive players in this drawing?
PLAYER: Yeah, I'm going to need y'all to only play three players so we can score easier.
COACH REID: We are not going to do that.
PLAYER: Yeah, y'all are dirty. I know. No wonder y'all win so much.
COACH REID: We aren't dirty. Those are the rules.
PLAYER: Not if you aren't trying to let us win.
COACH REID: We are definitely NOT trying to let you win.
PLAYER: That's not my only plan. We know it is going to rain at Arrowhead Stadium on Sunday, so we were talking about deflating the balls a little bit to help us catch them better.
COACH REID: Oh really?
COACH: For the love of God, please stop talking.
PLAYER: Let me talk to these men!
REF: I think at this point, you should probably listen to your coach and stop talking.
PLAYER: So, we're done here?
COACH: I'm pretty sure you are done here.
6 comments:
You also need to file a Motion for Discovery of Touchdowns.
“Can we deflate the ball? I saw the Patriots do it once!”
Player: Why are we using a football metaphor to understand what’s happening to me? Football games are inconsequential compared to losing my liberty.
Coach. True, but the reason for the metaphor is that legal concepts are often difficult to understand. Using a familiar game that everyone already understands is a learning aid to help the tv watchers and comic book readers who are going to be on the jury.
Player: Who pays the jury for its work?
Coach: That money comes out of the state coffers.
Player: Even the ref? And his staff?
Coach: Yep.
Player: Well, what about the other team’s coach?
Coach: Paid by the state.
Player: Well, how do you get paid then?
Coach: The state pays my fees too, up to a limit.
Player: Isn’t it always relevant that an expert witness is paid by the party presenting his testimony? If that’s true, how is it irrelevant that everyone in this game is being paid by one team?
Coach: It’s irrelevant because to think anything else would lead to a horrifying conclusion no one wants to believe.
Player: Aren’t football games simply a random result that don’t actually reflect who the superior athletes are? Don’t cheap comparisons to athletic competitions undermine the truth finding mission that Courts are supposed to have?
Coach: I would agree with you if I thought the referee was as concerned with the truth as you are. The referee is concerned about staying referee long enough to keep living off taxpayers long after he has ceased working, just like the referee’s staff.
Player: Wow, sounds like the referee’s staff has it pretty good. If they don’t even have to work to get paid, I guess that explains why they are so fat. I just wish the ref’s staff wouldn’t hide their bureaucratic incompetence with immoral and vicious lies.
Coach: Yes, for most of the judges and staff, even reading the Constitution once through would seem to them a liberal education.
Coach: We are actually using this metaphor to illustrate that we coaches are on the same team as the players and (usually) have far more experience and training in the game, but are often treated with distrust and automatic pushback from players before we can even tell them what the playing field looks like.
Audience Member: The game is unfair, barbaric and should be revamped. Everyone is profiting off the misfortune of the players.
Coach: That may very well be true, but the game will continue to exist and players will continue to be in a position (voluntarily or not) where they play it. Until somebody outlaws football, there will be a need for good coaches who know what they are doing and are on the players' side no matter what. It would be fantastic if the players realized we are there to fight for them, and alongside them.
Audience Member: You can understand why they would be suspicious of you.
Coach: Sure, I can. But that doesn't change the situation and nobody is going to abolish football today. Although you have pointed out its many flaws, the general public has embraced it and it will continue to carry on. All we can do is keep coaching to the best of our ability.
Audience Member: But you are being a part of the machine!
Coach: I suppose. But at the end of the day, that player is going to have a much better chance of winning the game if he realizes that I'm here trying to help and that we are on the same team. I'm allowed to express frustration with the situation when he doesn't. My therapist said it is better to express that than internalize!
Audience Member: Yeah, well, I still think you suck.
Coach: I know. I don't care. I'm still going to keep coaching because I help a lot of people and at the end of the day that's what really matters. Would you prefer a world with no coaches? How do you think that would go?
I want Murray as my coach, he just schooled a stupid heckler. That was a smart slobber knocker of a hit.
Ah Murray, as someone who has followed you since before I graduated law school, it would reflect more on me than you if I merely thought you "sucked." Thanks for doing what you do and standing in the gap. I couldn't play the game day in and day out. More criminals in front of the bar than behind it, if you ask me.
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