SCENE: The Death Star orbits over Downtown Houston. [INTERIOR] The Imperial Council Chambers. EMPRESS OGG sits at the head of a long table with her council advisors lined down each side. It is STARDATE MARCH 5 - T-MINUS 20 seconds
EMPRESS OGG: Beloved minions, we stand on the precipice of what will be a great and lengthy battle --
THE SPACE DOOR OPENS AND VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM HURRIES IN.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Okay, we lost.
(STUNNED SILENCE)
EMPRESS OGG: What do you mean "we lost," Vice-Admiral? The battle literally began two seconds ago.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Yep, war's over. We lost. The stats have us trailing at 21% of our battalions fighting as opposed to Qui-Gon Teare's 78%.
EMPRESS OGG: That's impossible. I refuse to believe it. How can it be? We can mount a comeback, can't we?
CAD DANE: Let me crunch some numbers, your Oggness. [DANE STARTS TYPING INTO A TABLET]. Let me see . . . if every voter who voted today voted only for you and none of them voted for Teare . . . [SETS DOWN TABLET] . . . yeah, still no. We lost.
EMPRESS OGG: But, but, but what about the Klingon Crossover Troops that were promised to us by the Palmer-Hoopians?
CAD DANE: yeah, they aren't really in this universe. Turns out that Don Don Hooper wasn't actually a general, either. He was just an unemployed loser mooching off of his wife's salary while calling himself a Prominent Klingon Activist.
EMPRESS OGG: But all the money I funneled to Count Rachel had to have counted for something!
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: well, it did seem to really piss off the Jedi Caucus.
EMPRESS OGG: Those fools. I am the only one who has been truly Jedi all along. They should have rallied behind me.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: yeah, they didn't rally behind you four years ago either.
EMPRESS OGG: SILENCE!!! Vice-Admiral King, why do you seem so calm in all of this? Don't you see that we are headed toward destruction?!?!?!
VICE-ADMIRAL KING (STARING AT HER OWN TABLET): Hmm? I'm sorry. Did you say something?
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Empress Ogg, perhaps you are unaware that Vice-Admiral King has been planning on launching Escape Pod 486 for some time. She is waiting for it to charge to just over 50% so she can make her getaway. Right now she is at 47%.
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: You shut up, New Tom Berg. You don't know what time I make my escape from this dumpster fire.
EMPRESS OGG: How could you, Vivian?
BARBARA THE STRONGARM: Empress, she started up her own cable access show again over a year ago. Surely you knew she was campaigning.
EMPRESS OGG: Is it any better than Sisters-in-Law?
BARBARA THE STRONGARM: No.
EMPRESS OGG: All of my talking points! How could this possibly be? Anna the Carpenter, what is the meaning of this? I paid you a county salary and out of my political campaign for better results than this. What did you do and Cad Dane do with your time?
ANNA THE CARPENTER: Mostly trolled your political enemies on Twitter using fake names.
EMPRESS OGG: And you, Stine the Baker, what do you have to say for yourself? You were supposed to deliver me this election like all of the Republicans you have historically worked for promised me.
STINE THE BAKER: Well, um, we tried but there were some things that the troops didn't really approve of.
EMPRESS OGG: LIKE WHAT?!?!?
STINE THE BAKER: So, yeah, like you know how you spent the entirety of the pandemic blaming all of the Judges for everything?
EMPRESS OGG: Yes. The Klingons loved it.
STINE THE BAKER: Well, the Klingons don't really participate in this universe.
EMPRESS OGG: But I had the support of Andy Kahan!
CAD DANE: He's a Klingon.
EMPRESS OGG: Alexandra del Moral Mealer?
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Klingon.
EMPRESS OGG: Randy Wallace? Bob the Choad and his anonymous band of merry Klansmen on Twitter? They all said if I took out Lina the Hidalgo they would support me!
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: All Klingons.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Vice-Admiral King, two questions.
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: Go ahead.
CORPORAL LEITNER: First, how is the Escape Pod 486 charging going and also, are you looking to hire a court coordinator?
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: Still stuck at 47% and no.
EMPRESS OGG: How dare you, Corporal Leitner? You are the one who got me into this mess with your mismanagement of intake.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Forgive me, Empress! I did the best I could with the budget you gave me. When you gave all of the funding to your Upper Council instead of hiring more intake prosecutors, I had to improvise.
EMPRESS OGG: You set up an automated answering service for the intake line that said "Thank you for calling Kim Ogg's Harris County District Attorney's Office. We are unable to take your call at this time, but we accept your charges!"
CORPORAL LEITNER: Yes, but it was recorded in your voice so the officers would know you were on their side!
THE DOOR OPENS AND A VERY AGITATED JAR JAR ROGERS COMES RUNNING INTO THE CHAMBERS.
JAR JAR ROGERS: Mooey mooey Empress Ogg! Say it isn't so! Say it isn't so!
EMPRESS OGG: What have you heard, Jar Jar?
JAR JAR ROGERS: Theesa Jawas! They allsa be smiling! Jar Jar didn't even knowsa that Jawas had mouths!
EMPRESS OGG: I didn't know that either, come to think of it.
JAR JAR ROGERS: Thensa I turned on the news and I seesa Mark Goldberg at Qui-Gon Teare's Victory Party negotiating a surrender!
EMPRESS OGG: What?!?! Who authorized Goldberg to authorize a surrender on my behalf? This is like when he sent out that e-mail demanding all the Jawas work a campaign event from my e-mail account that he didn't even have the password for.
CAD DANE: I'll call him. [CAD DANE DIALS A NUMBER INTO HIS CELL PHONE]. Mark? Mark, what are you doing at Qui-Gon Teare's Party? The Empress has not authorized a concession to surrender . . . What? Oh . . . I see . . . okay. Bye.
EMPRESS OGG: What did he say?
CAD DANE: He's just negotiating his own surrender.
EMPRESS OGG: That weasel.
CAD DANE: Yeah, he said the Weasel is at Teare's Party too.
EMPRESS OGG: I still don't understand how this could have happened.
STINE THE BAKER: Well, the Indivisible Squadron seems to have also had a pretty strong influence on this, as well as a lot of former Jawas that you ran out of the organization when they wouldn't give you their cell phones. Additionally, Lina the Hidalgo was far more powerful than you realized when you took her on and lost. And the general public really didn't like that yellow outfit you keep wearing.
EMPRESS OGG: The one with my Victory Sleeves?
STINE THE BAKER: yeah. Not polling well.
CORPORAL LEITNER: Vivian, where we at on those numbers?
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: Still stuck at 47%. At this rate, I'm never getting out of here. [VICE-ADMIRAL KING BEGINS BANGING THE TABLET ON THE TABLE]. Stupid tablet, I'm going to sue you. I'm Board Certified!
EMPRESS OGG: Vice-Admiral King, you are excused. I will see you at my victory party.
VICE-ADMIRAL KING [GETTING UP TO LEAVE]: Um, yeah. Sorry, but I gotta go home and finish watching Sisters-In-Law to see how it ends?
EMPRESS OGG: You were on the show. You don't remember?
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: Yeah, I was drinking a lot back then.
EMPRESS OGG: At least I know that Vice-Admiral Mitcham will stick by me. We have always been together, David. I appreciate that.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Well ever since you had me "Execute Order 66" on Qui Gon Teare's personnel file, I'm pretty much as screwed as you are.
EMPRESS OGG: A little creative writing never hurt anyone, Vice-Admiral.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: um, yeah. Well, either way, we're both screwed.
EMPRESS OGG: We're screwed because we have powerful enemies.
CAD DANE: Most of these "powerful enemies" used to be your allies.
EMPRESS OGG: Be that as it may, they never expected me to my job so super duper well that they would come to hate me. Everyone says that people love to stare at the sun until it burns their eyes.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Pretty sure no one ever said that.
EMPRESS OGG: About staring into the sun?
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: No, that you did a did a super duper job.
EMPRESS OGG: this is a scary lesson for the universe, my people. If a simple girl from a wealthy and privileged background isn't allowed to use her position to persecute her enemies, betray her allies, and spend public funds on her private friends, I don't know why anyone would want to seek public office. What more could people possibly expect of us?
THE SPACE DOOR OPENS AND VICE-ADMIRAL KING WALKS BACK IN.
EMPRESS OGG: I thought you left.
VICE-ADMIRAL KING: Damn Escape Pod 486 is still stuck at 47%. I'm going to be here awhile longer.
EMPRESS OGG: As will I. Vice-Admiral Mitcham, have the Jawas meet me tomorrow for a speech in which I will both console and terrify them. I know they must be heartbroken. Tell them we still have nine months to go and I still have much power.
VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM: Yes, Empress.
EMPRESS OGG: And call Grand Moff Abbott on Planet Austin. Tell him my mission is almost finished here and I will be returning back to the Fold.
THE END (HOPEFULLY)
SEE PREVIOUSLY:
Episode One: The Phantom Kimness
Episode Two: Attack of the Clowns
Episode Three: Revenge of the Fifth (Amendment)
Episode Four: A Glimmer of Hope
Episode Five: The Empress Strikes Out
Episode Six: Return of the Jury
