Monday, December 31, 2012

Lykos 2012: The Final Chapter?

NOTE:  When last we left our heroes of the Harris County District Attorney’s Office at the end of 2011, Darth Lykos was still battling with the rebellious 185th Grand Jury.  To clarify, this was the 1st Grand Jury that was investigating Lykos.  Not the second one.  That was about time sheets.  Not the 3rd one, either.  That one is about them investigating the 1st one.  Oh never mind.  Just read on.

January 1 – As the new year begins, Lykos and the Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight hope that a recent change in the laws will cause the 185th Grand Jury to have their session mandatorily terminated, thus ending their pending investigation into the District Attorney’s Office.  When confronted that a lack of Grand Juries might also allow Capital Murderers to be released on bond, Lykos paraphrases the old adage that it is better for a thousand guilty men to go free than for one Pat Lykos to go to jail.

January 6-Angry Republican political activist, Gary Polland writes into this blog angrily denouncing an article claiming he was in political cahoots with self-proclaimed genius Donald Hooper.  He wraps up his comment with “nobody speaks for me but me.”  In May, as virtually none of the Republican candidates supported by Polland are elected, it is proven that Polland actually speaks for nobody but him, either.

January 17-District Attorney Pat Lykos testifies under subpoena before the 185th Grand Jury.  Although the proceedings behind Grand Jury doors are secret, it is rumored that her testimony was cut short when she smoked a carton of filterless Camels until the grand jurors could no longer take being in the room with her.

January 31-The 185th Grand Jury elects not to hand down any indictments for Pat Lykos, Rachel Palmer or any other members of the District Attorney’s Office  for their roles in the HPD B.A.T. Van scandal but issues a letter condemning their unethical behavior – calling it a “stain” on the Criminal Justice System.  Lykos condemns the letter, stating the only “stain” related to the investigation occurred when Leitner got his subpoena.

February 1-After almost a full 24 hours of no scandals coming from the Pat Lykos Administration, Channel 13's Ted Oberg reports that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner had ordered Chief Investigator Don McWilliams to conduct an investigation in the 185th Grand Jurors.  When asked for comment, Leitner can only respond with "Oh son of a . . ."

February 7-The Texas Rangers arrive at the Harris County District Attorney’s Office to begin an investigation into the Lykos Administration for their conduct relating to the 185th Grand Jury.  Several days later, Lykos will claim that she personally requested the Rangers investigate her.  Additionally, she claims that she personally requested Ted Oberg to do an investigative report on her, as well as personally requesting that Murray Newman start his blog.

February 22-At a Houston fundraiser for former Harris County ADA David Hilburn, recent Lykos hire, David Benzion is discovered lurking in the parking lot.  Benzion who was allegedly hired to help “write grants” for the District Attorney’s Office lamely explains that he was not, in fact, following around Lykos’ opponent, Mike Anderson (who was attending the fundraiser).  Rather, he was researching a grant for valet parking at random establishments around town.

March 10-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

March 20-At a public debate with Mike Anderson, Pat Lykos announces that possession of small amounts of drugs like cocaine and heroin is no longer illegal, contrary to the Penal Code and the working knowledge of any prosecutor who has ever tried a case.

March 29-Aspiring Democratic D.A. candidate Lloyd Oliver makes his now-legendary appearance on Reasonable Doubt where he voices his support for the idea of dismissing family violence assault cases and replacing them with boxing lessons.   Harris County residents now believe that the Mayan Apocalypse may have been based on the Doomsday Scenario of a Lykos vs. Oliver race in November.

April 3-An ecstatic comedian Dave Chappelle sends Rachel Palmer a thank you note for increasing the views of this skit on the Internet over the past four months. 

April 13-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

April 22- When pressed on any additional policy changes that he would institute if elected, District Attorney candidate Lloyd Oliver announces that he would no longer prosecute Arson cases, and instead replace them with classes teaching people to stop, drop and roll.

May 2 – In a move that was long awaited, Rachel Palmer breaks her 5th Amendment silence long enough to endorse Pat Lykos.

May 10- A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

May 28 – After a very long 3 years, 4 months, and 28 days, we all learned that Patricia R. Lykos would be gainfully unemployed on January 1st.  A defiant Lykos announces that she actually asked the voters not to vote for her around the same time that she asked the Texas Rangers to investigate her.

May 29 – A heavy write-in campaign out of Houston begins to have this picture nominated for a Pulitzer Prize.

June 9-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

June 14-A hungry Pat Lykos drives to McDonald's for a Happy Meal.  While there, she offers to pay $2 million out of her Asset Forfeiture Fund for her food if they will agree to rename the restaurant McLykos'.

June 26 – The District Attorney’s Office asks for $17,108 from the Commissioners’ Court as reimbursement to Steve Morris for his legal fees incurred for his Show Cause hearing in 2011.  Following the precedent that ADAs can recover damages from the County, a class action request is filed with the Commissioners on behalf of all ADAs asking for $2.3 billion in restitution for pain and suffering endured during the Lykos Administration.

July 7-Pat Lykos comes down with a nasty summer cold.  She claims that this was not by accident, but that she asked her doctor to make her sick shortly after asking the Texas Rangers to investigate her.

July 22 – Mike Anderson and Lloyd Oliver have the first of their “debates” in which Lloyd Oliver blatantly states that Anderson’s donations are questionable.  Lloyd later clarifies that unless the money came from a cab driver, posing as a lawyer, picking up recently released inmates from the Harris County Jail and bringing them to his office, it was probably dirty.

July 30 - The series of false rumors that Jim Leitner is leaving the Office to become a defense attorney are explained when it is revealed that he has ordered an investigator with the Office to assist defense attorney Dick DeGuerin clear the name of convicted murderer David Temple.  As it turns out, Leitner was a defense attorney all along.  He was just pretending to be a prosecutor.  Thus the confusion.

August 8-A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

August 20 – Harris County Democratic Party Leader Gerry Birnberg files a lawsuit to keep Lloyd Oliver off of the ballot as the Democratic Candidate for District Attorney in the November.  Harris County Republicans issue the following statement: "Wait.  We can do that?  Then why the hell have we been dealing with Pat Lykos for the past four years?"

August 26 – Local defense attorney Lisa Andrews brings the Harris County Probation under intense scrutiny after revealing during a hearing that lab technicians within the department had flawed urinalysis testing procedures when it came to drug screening.  Pat Lykos offers to donate $2 million in Harris County Asset Forfeiture money to the Probation Department to correct the problem on the condition that they rename it "Lykos' House of Urine."

September 5 – Backed by a legal Dream Team of Ted Doebler, James Dyer and Don Hooper, Lloyd Oliver wins a legal challenge to the Democratic Party and is allowed to remain on the ticket in November.  An ecstatic Oliver states:  "Wow.  This is the first time I ever won anything by using that legal maneuvering stuff!"

September 10 – Pat Lykos uses $365,000 out of Asset Forfeiture money to put on a CLE hosted by the National College of District Attorneys.  Her initial plan had been to spend $2 million to fly the entire office to Hawaii for the CLE, but she backed out after Hawaiian officials refused her demand to rename the island of Kahoolawe after her.  "Damn, people," Lykos was quoted as saying.  "It's the smallest freaking island out of eight.  Am I really asking for too much here?"

September 11 - The National College of District Attorneys names Pat Lykos the Elected Prosecutor of the Year for Harris County, Texas in 2012.

September 22- A rumor that 1st Assistant Jim Leitner is going to resign on Friday floats around the CJC.

October 4-Pat Lykos snubs local blogger Murray Newman by failing to attend his 40th birthday party.

October 19 – 1st Assistant Jim Leitner resigns from the Harris County District Attorney's Office.  Seriously.  I promise this time.  And in his farewell e-mail, he included a video of him bench pressing a lot of weights.  Really.  I am not making this up.  It was awesome.  It really happened.  

October 22 – In a surprise move, the Lykos Administration names former prosecutor Bill Hawkins to serve as interim 1st Assistant until the end of the Administration.  Additionally, former Investigator Walker McAnally is brought in to be Chief Investigator.  Murray Newman's application to be reinstated as the head of the Justice of the Peace Division is denied, however.

October 24 – Pat Lykos offers to donate $2 million in Asset Forfeiture money to the Harris County Forensic Institute of Science, which is apparently approved.  We look forward to seeing Pat's House of Cadavers coming to Harris County in the near future.

November 4 – Investigator Leon Wilson is promoted to Assistant Chief Investigator which is kind of like when there are only 2 minutes left in the game and you are down 72-0, so the coach just says “what the hell” and lets the bench warmers play. 

November 6 – Mike Anderson is elected Harris County District Attorney.  Local blogger Murray Newman announces the creation of a new blog: Life at the Montgomery County Criminal Justice Center.

November 16 – Reports circulate that a third Grand Jury is now reviewing the antics of the Pat Lykos Administration after Texas Rangers and Special Prosecutor Eric Nichols are spotted on the 3rd floor of the CJC.  A nonchalant Pat Lykos explains that she actually invited the grand jury to scare the crap out of her right before her term ended.

November 20 – The Harris County Sheriff's Office is granted $138,000 by the County Commissioner's to employ legal consultant, Jim Leitner.   Immediately after the money is approved, rumors begin circulating that Leitner will be resigning from the Sheriff's Office on Friday.

November 24 – The Houston Press names Lykos the Criminal Justice Turkey of the Year, finally allowing her to honestly refer to herself as an "award winning District Attorney."

November 26 – Former 1st Assistant Bert Graham returns to the District Attorney’s Office as part of Mike Anderson's transition team.  Lykos reluctantly allows Graham access to the building only on the condition that he rename himself "Bert Lykos."  As an added incentive, she offers to give him $2 million in Asset Forfeiture money.

December 11 – Mike Anderson announces that 230th District Court Judge Belinda Hill will be the new 1st Assistant under his Administration.  Judge Hill, a highly respected Judge and former prosecutor brings more legal knowledge and character to the District Attorney's Office as an individual than the entirety of Lykos' Gang Who Couldn't Shoot Straight combined.

December 14 – Anderson introduces his new leadership team in a press conference and begins making adjustments to the personnel of the District Attorney's Office.  Shockingly, notorious 5th Amendment aficionado Rachel Palmer is not amongst those who are to be let go under the new administration.  When pressed for comment, Anderson states: "Well, hell, I had to leave Newman something to write about."

December 17 – Former HPD-lab technicians Amanda Culbertson and Jorge Wong file a Federal suit against Pat Lykos, Rachel Palmer, and Harris County.  A confident Pat Lykos announces that she asked Culbertson and Wong to sue her.

December 31 – After 4 years of inducing terror and misery, Pat Lykos finally slinks out of the building. However, most people don't believe that she is really gone for good because no witnesses can attest to having actually seen a bucket of water poured on her.


Anonymous said...

Great stuff Murray. You remind me a lot of the great Lynn Ashby, when he was writing for the Houston Post back in the day.

Anonymous said...

Great stuff Mr. Newman. You remind me a lot of the great Lynn Ashby, when he was writing about many of the same things for the old Houston Post back in the day.

Anonymous said...

As Bob Hope would say, "Thanks For The Memories!"

David Benzion said...

Just to clarify on the Hilburn fundraiser... I was told by Pat Lykos that you had personally invited me to attend.

Anonymous said...

Maybe she already melted..did anyone find a random box of camels & a bottle of Jack laying on the street?

Anonymous said...

As of 2:35pm there are but 9 hours and 25 minutes left in the awful mess that has burdened us for the past four years.


Anonymous said...

Lykos House of Urine, has a nice ring to it!

Anonymous said...

Pat, Roger, and Leon-
One hour to go. Don't let the front door hit you on the ass as you waddle out.

Anonymous said...


You know Murray did not invite you! He doesnt have the gray matter to carry on a conversation with you.

Murray Newman said...

Anon 7:57 p.m.,
Not that I would be one to compare my "gray matter" to another's, but please remember which one of us got caught skulking through a parking lot.

Anonymous said...

I guess David Benzion is now allowed to post on the internet again.

I won't forget him, but I won't spend time thinking about him either. Should his name come up in the future, I will remember the role he played.

I have heard that he (Benzion) wrote that 3 page, bizarre, vitriolic hate-piece that was sent out office-wide a while back.

The staff was reminded not to get drunk, have sex with witnesses, or set off firecrackers.

It was almost funny, but not. Mostly it was another insulting jab at a group of people who were simply trying to do their jobs.

David Benzion - if you didn't have a part in writing this, now is the time to declare it.

Anonymous said...

Rumor across the street is that Patty will be appointed a Major in Sheriff's Office.
Say it ain't so!!!!!!