Aggravating Zoom People

As most of you know, the Harris County Criminal Justice Center, like many courthouses around the country, is using Zoom video conferences to conduct court appearances and hearings.  With several weeks of this under our belts, certain personalities for Zoomers have emerged and Cabin Fever-induced irritability has manifested.  In the spirit of Stupid Elevator People (and its lesser-known Addendum to the Elevator People), I now present to you the Top 10 Aggravating Zoom People.

10.  Zany Background Guy -- I'm not exactly sure why Zoom provides whimsical backdrops for users, but I have to assume that it was designed for kindergarten teachers who need to talk to their students.  It's not really necessary for licensed attorneys and judges.  From those of you who look like you are broadcasting live from the Golden Gate Bridge to those of you with motivational messages as a background, it really isn't necessary.  Most conspicuous offender:  Joe Vinas with his "Shall We Play a Game?" backdrop which harkens back to 1983's obscure nerd movie Wargames.  Objection, Joe,  Relevance.

9.  The Radio Prosecutor -- This goes out to the prosecutor who wants to make sure that absolutely nothing about the Zoom video conference gives away anything about his or her personal appearance, including, but not limited to, what they look like without the makeup that they definitely will not be putting on this morning.  This prosecutor's video screen is filled only with big block letters announcing his or (usually) her name.  When you indignantly read probable cause, your name flashes across the screen like Closed Captioning from the Gods.  Most conspicuous offender:  Casey Little, whose zealous advocacy on behalf of the State, coupled with her name on the screen, makes it feel like Justice is screaming at you through a bullhorn.

8.  The "I'm Not That Great with Technology" Close Talker -- This is the lawyer who has been, um, let's just say "practicing for awhile" that is still trying to figure out what is going on with all of this technology crap.  Rather than turning up the speaker on his or her computer, he or she edges in real close to the computer screen and yells into the microphone.  It comes across as a really angry extreme close up.  Most conspicuous offender:  Skip Cornelius, who in a conference yesterday was yelling both when he was angry and when he wasn't.  The best part of this video was seeing his brother, Terry, standing over Skip's shoulder through the whole thing.  I couldn't tell if Terry was Skip's tech help or just waiting on him to go play golf.

7.  The "Hey! I just got here!" Guy --This tone-deaf Zoomer is the guy who just logged into a Zoom docket that has been going for some time, but seems unaware of the fact that his arrival is really not that remarkable of an event.  Upon logging on, he or she immediately begins talking to the judge as if the judge had been sitting there all morning just waiting for the lawyer to arrive.  I'm not sure if this is a lack of technology awareness or just simple rudeness.  Would you walk into a courtroom under normal circumstances and immediately demand attention?  No?  Then mute yourself and shut up until called upon.  Most conspicuous offender:  Every criminal defense attorney who has been licensed for less than a year.

6.  The Grey Poupon Background Guy --  This is the lawyer who has found the most sophisticated looking place to set up his or her computer so that you can admire the interior decorating.  Whether you are sitting in front of your diplomas at your office (yes, Brian Roberts, we all are licensed by the State Bar of Texas) or just want to show how nice your house is, we get it.  You are fancier than the guys in the Grey Poupon commercials.  Most conspicuous offender:  Todd Dupont, who strategically placed his computer camera facing a doorway with perfectly balanced, tasteful artwork on either side of it.  It was elegant and understated.  Less elegant and understated:  the short sleeve buttondown shirt you were wearing.  Hey, Detective Sipowicz, NYPD Blue went off the air in 2005.

5.  The Muting Refuser -- Here's a fun fact about Zoom that some people seem to have not picked up on yet.  When you are the person talking (or making noise), the software gives you the spotlight and you take up the main screen.  Kind of like in an interview via satellite on the news.  Some Zoom participants either don't know how to mute their microphones or just refuse to.  Every time they (or someone or something at their location) makes a noise, we all hear it and the camera cuts to you.  If your dogs are barking or your kids are yelling, we can all hear it and we know it is coming from you because the camera zooms in on your face.  Most conspicuous offender:  Eileen Bogar, who recently seemed to be battling allergies during a Zoom conference.  Her sniffling and sneezing led to multiple staccato cutaways to her like a Claritin commercial meshing with a 1990s Pop Art video while other lawyers were talking to the judge.

4.  The "I'm here to Socialize" Guy -- This goes out to the attorney whose business with court was brief and concluded, but still keeps on talking to the judge, prosecutor and/or other attorneys, much to the aggravation of the other attorneys waiting to speak to the Court.  Shut up, man.  Some of us need to get done with this Zoom conference so we can catch The Price Is Right.  Most conspicuous offender:  Murray Newman.  Sorry, everybody.  I miss y'all!

3.  The "I'm Not In Court, You Can't Tell Me What to Wear" Guy -- Sure, it's a pandemic and we are all broadcasting from home.  None of us are dressed in our Sunday Best, exactly.  I've modeled some of my finest concert t-shirts from the past decade myself.  But then there's that guy who has to take it a step too far by clearly getting dressed (or not) to show his irreverence for the situation.  Apparently, this became so out of control in Florida (go figure) that a judge had to drop the hammer on some attorneys who were appearing a little too laid back in their video appearances.  Most conspicuous offender:  Mark Lipkin, who is rumored to have appeared shirtless in a recent Zoom appearance in court.

2.  The Boring Background Prosecutor --  This one describes the prosecutor with the least imaginative background while talking.  While some prosecutors are sitting at their breakfast table or perhaps home office, the Boring Background Prosecutor has selected the blandest setting possible to set up shop.  Also qualifying under this category is the prosecutor who has selected something really boring as their artificial backdrop.  Seriously, if you are going to use a backdrop, be somewhat imaginative.  A courtroom setting and/or a view of the CJC, for instance, is lame, Ryan McLearen.  Most conspicuous offender:  Cristina Platter, who conferenced in from a white-walled room devoid of photos, artwork, windows, or color. I was concerned that perhaps she had broken into a vacant apartment for the conference call. Seriously, I've seen hostage videos filmed in locations that showed more pizzazz.

1.  The "Let Me Take You on A Journey" Attorney -- This is the lawyer on a laptop who just can't sit still while waiting for his or her turn to talk.  He or she picks up the laptop and goes for a stroll around the house.  This, as it turns out, also makes the camera cut to you and gives everyone watching the screen a severe case of sea sickness-induced nausea.  For the love of God, please stop.  I will chip in to get you a desktop, just please stop moving.  You have the option of turning the camera off for whatever reason you need.  Movement is one of those reasons!  Most conspicuous offender:  Beth Exley, who took us all on an IMAX-worthy-tour-of-her-house-as-seen-over-her-shoulder yesterday in the 185th Zoom conference.

So, there you have it.  If you have additional categories that you would like to add, please do so in the comments.  If I named you in this post, don't be mad.  I wouldn't have named you if I didn't think you could take a joke!

The Changing Shape of Things - Part One

Many things have changed in the six days since my last post about the COVID-19 Coronavirus and the Harris County Criminal Justice Center.  I'm guessing that this update about the state of things will probably be the first of many as things continue to adapt to what is going on in the world.

1.  The vast majority of Judges are waiving court appearances for bond clients in most Instances. I'm not 100% sure that all judges are following this rule, but every judge that I'm currently dealing with is doing everything that he or she can to keep people out of the courtroom.  I have not heard of any judges that are not following this plan, but I can't swear that all of them are. Appearances are being waived and electronic resets are being encouraged.  The only exception that I've seen on this is first appearances for clients that have just bonded out of jail. 

2.  Judges are working to get non-violent offenders out of custody if possible.  Defense attorneys should be doing the same.  I know of at least one District Court Judge that went through the cases pending in his court and reviewing which ones he could grant personal recognizance bonds without risking public safety.  He did this sua sponte, but defense attorneys should be doing the same.  I've been going through all of my clients's cases that I can make an argument for a bond reduction or a PR bond for and filing Motions to Reduce Bond.  As a side note, I will again point out that accepting collect phone calls from your clients is a fantastic way to communicate on these types of issues.  Check out www.securustech.net if you want to set it up.  It isn't expensive and it is totally worth it.

3.  Speaking of e-filing . . .  A week or so ago, Harris County District Clerk Marilyn Burgess rolled out a fresh new design for her office's website.  It must have been designed by a colorblind individual.  Things that were once easy to find are now against backdrops that make the tabs more difficult to see than the hidden images in those 3-D posters that used to be popular 20 years ago.  Today, as attorneys are trying to access the District Clerk's website so they can work remotely, the site is alternating between working at a snail's pace or not at all.   Burgess is really going to need to get that together quickly to keep things working.

4.  The CJC is more or less a Ghost Town.   I drove in yesterday to approach judges about bond issues on two cases yesterday and it was kind of spooky.  From the sign at the garage that proclaimed jury service was canceled to the mostly empty elevator banks, it felts like entering the opening scenes of a zombie movie.  There were only a handful of bond defendants in the courthouse and they were quickly given resets and sent home.  Judge and court staff were asking people to keep their distance from each other and the bench.  I made the mistake of coughing once (it was allergies, don't freak out) and was immediately maced with Lysol by a court coordinator who shall remain nameless.  There was definitely a strong feeling that we shouldn't be up there.

5.  Teleconferencing is the new Bench Conference.  As I mentioned above, I filed a couple of Motions to Reduce Bond on some of my clients, and I'm going through all of my pending cases to see if there are more I can do.  I e-filed them (through the State's service, not the District Clerk), served the prosecutor with e-service, and e-mailed the coordinator to notify her.  About an hour later, the Judge called me and we had a teleconference.  The prosecutor was in court and I was on speakerphone.  It went pretty smoothly for a first attempt.

6.  Speaking of the prosecutor being in the courtroom . . . Since I was supposed to be out of town this week and then on Spring Break, I was calling in from out of town when I presented my Motion to the Court telephonically.  The prosecutor, however, was physically present in the courtroom.   Again, I will point out to Harris County District Attorney Kim Ogg, that this wasn't necessary.  The prosecutor could have phoned or conferenced in by Internet just as easily as I did.  Thus far, Kim Ogg's only concession for her employees is relaxing the dress code.  That's pathetic. 

7.  Speaking of poor crisis management by the District Attorney's Office, I had the most entertaining conversation with 1st Assistant/Chief of Staff/Minister of Propaganda Vivian King last week!  So, here's a funny story.  Last week, in response to Jim Leitner citing Vivian King's approval of an e-mail he was sending to the Office, I made the following Tweet:

Now, I said this with a keen awareness of numerous moments of mismanagement and out of line priorities exhibited by La Viv over the course of her tenure with the Ogg Administration.  From holding onto some Federal defense cases after taking her oath as a prosecutor to handling a little family law matter for a criminal court judge (that in my opinion created a potential conflict of interest for the Office) to expensive espresso machines on the public dime to failing to recuse the Office on a case that she had a vested personal interest in, the past few years have changed my opinion of Vivian for the worse.  I have a great many things that I could add to that list, but I won't at the moment.

So, after sending this Tweet, I was not all that surprised to see Vivian on my Caller ID on Friday, calling to express her fury.  

She started by cryptically letting me know that "someone" had told her that I had said she was the last person who should be handling a crisis.  Dammit, the Twitterverse is apparently not the secret-keeping vault that I thought it was.  I told her that she really should be focusing on managing the Office's response to the coronavirus rather than calling her critics on county time, to which she yelled "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME I TAKE MY LUNCH HOUR!"

She threatened to sue me, to which I replied that my opinion of her was not libel.

She threatened to file a grievance against me for criticizing her, to which I replied that I was criticizing her as an administrator, not as a lawyer.

She told me that I was just seeking publicity, to which I didn't think that her ill-fated stint on Sisters-In-Law would really get me that much attention.

She demanded to know who had told me bad things about her, to which I told her I wouldn't be feeding information to the "most paranoid, mean, and not-that-bright administration in the Office's history."

She finally just defaulted into yelling that she was Board Certified in Criminal Law and called me a racist for saying anything negative about her on Twitter.  She also accused me of "damaging the community," whatever that means!  It was a very volatile 11 minutes.

And in the end, it didn't change my opinion any.  Now, more than ever, I remain of the opinion that Vivian King is the last person who should be making these decisions.

8.  In all seriousness, outside of the District Attorney's Office upper administration, the Harris County Criminal Justice community is pulling together.  From defense attorneys doing whatever they can to keep their clients informed to the judges trying to make sure that Due Process is still happening to the rank-and-file prosecutors dutifully responding to e-mails and showing up for court, people are still working around the clock to keep the Justice System running.  

As a side note, if you are otherwise unaware, the Harris County Criminal Lawyers Association (in a project being handled by the amazing Christina Appelt) is keeping a running list of all the relevant information regarding courthouse closings and other constantly changing rules at this website that is available to the general public.  That's a huge undertaking and Christina is owed a big "thank you!" for handling it.

I hope everyone is safe out there and that you and your families are corona-free.  I'll talk to you soon.