Friday, March 27, 2020

Episode Five: The Empress Strikes Out

SCENE:  The Star Destroyer Jefferson hovers over a very empty Downtown.  [INTERIOR]. The Imperial Throne Room.  An uncharacteristically cheerful EMPRESS OGG is standing at the head of her conference room table.  Behind her, her lead stormtrooper BOBA CLAPPART is busily preparing a bacta tank for one person.  VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM sits stoically at the head of the table as other members of the ADVISORY COUNCIL file into the room.

EMPRESS OGG:  Greetings my dearest friends and co-workers!  Come in!  Come in!  It is so lovely to see you today!  It brings me great joy to see all of you!

YVONNE VENTRESS (whispering):  Why is she so happy?

COUNT MUSICK:  I don't know.  I haven't seen her this happy since the Envirolorian's Arkema trial got postponed.

YVONNE VENTRESS:  Yes, I heard the trial was not going well.  Some guy named Brady kept showing up unexpectedly?

COUNT MUSICK:  Yes.  Something like that.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Let's call the meeting to order.

EMPRESS OGG:  Yes!  I have things to do.  How is the bacta tank coming along, Boba?

BOBA CLAPPART:  We are working on it, Empress, but I still don't see how we are going to fit your press conference podium in there with you.  This thing only has a three-foot diameter.

EMPRESS OGG:  Honestly, Boba.  I don't know why I give you any jobs in the first place.  First, you can't frame a group of teenagers for murder and now you can't outfit the bacta tank with the bare necessities that I need to survive.

BOBA CLAPPART:  Well, I mean it does provide nutrients and oxygen while keeping you completely insulated from the coronavirus, it's just . . .

EMPRESS OGG:  No podium.  No deal.  Fix it, nitwit.

BOBA CLAPPART:  Yes, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  Now, as I was saying, let's call the meeting to order . . .

THE DOOR TO THE THRONE ROOM FLIES OPEN AND IN STORMS CHIEF OF STAFF VIVIAN KING.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Nice of you to join us, Vivian.

CHIEF KING:  Screw you, New Tom Berg.  I was at lunch.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  It's 9 a.m.

CHIEF KING:  YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN MY LUNCH HOUR IS!!!!!

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  It is too lovely of a day to be ruined with in-fighting.

CHIEF KING:  Who the hell gave you happy pills?

EMPRESS OGG:  No happy pills, my friend.  I don't need them.  Why would I?  Life has never been better for your favorite Ogginator.  I won my election and all of the Jawas are happier than they have been since I first took office.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  I think they are happy because you finally let them work from home during the coronavirus, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  Nonsense.  They are happy because I won.  That's why they kept coming to work even though there was an earth-shattering plague risking all of their lives.  They love me, dearly.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Um, they kept coming because Vivian told them it was business as usual and they had to.

CHIEF KING:  WHO TOLD YOU THAT?  WHO IS TALKING ABOUT ME?  I AM BOARD CERTIFIED IN CRIMINAL LAW!  NOBODY BETTER BE TALKING BAD ABOUT ME!  I WILL SUE YOU, NEW TOM BERG!!!!

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  We are all friends here.  He is not Murray Newman.  Only a malcontent like him could ever say anything bad about you.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Well, Murray and anyone who ever watched an episode of Sisters In Law.

EMPRESS OGG:  And that's like, what?  Thirty people?  Obviously I never even watched it myself, Vivian.  That's why I hired you.

CHIEF KING:  YOU CAN GO TO HELL, NEW TOM BERG!  I'M GOING TO HAVE YOUR JOB.  YOU JUST WATCH.  MY TITLE IS GOING TO CHIEF OF STAFF AND FIRST ASSISTANT, or Vice-Admiral or whatever.

EMPRESS OGG:  Calm down, Vivian.  You did stop calling Murray and yelling at him during business hours like you promised me right?

CHIEF KING:  Yes, Empress.  Now, I only call him and ask him to verify his Google Listing.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Why would you harass him like that?

CHIEF KING:  SHUT UP NEW TOM BERG!  YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT MY SIDE HUSTLE IS!  I'VE GOT VIVIAN KING TV!  I'VE GOT CHIEF OF STAFF!  I'VE GOT VIVIAN KING REALTY!  I DO SOME FAMILY LAW! I'M BRINGING BACK SISTERS IN LAW, BUT WE ARE CALLING IT "VIVIAN IS THE MAMA BEAR IN LAW! I CAN VERIFY GOOGLE LISTINGS IF I WANT TO.  I'M GOING TO BE NEW FIRST ASSISTANT HERE IN A MINUTE, THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE OLD NEW TOM BERG AND I'M GOING TO THE NEW NEW TOM BERG!

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Um, okay.

EMPRESS OGG:  Anyway, as I was saying, the Jawas are ecstatic about my re-election and that's what makes them ignore all of the incredibly serious warnings from the WHO and the CDC about social distancing.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  I should probably point out that you still have a general election in November, Empress.

EMPRESS OGG:  SILENCE!

CHIEF KING:  Empress, can I have his job now?

EMPRESS OGG:  Sure.

THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND A PANICKED JAR JAR ROGERS BURSTS INTO THE ROOM.

JAR JAR ROGERS:  Oosa oosa Empress Ogg!  Yoosa needsa to get into the bacta tank rightsa nowsa!

EMPRESS OGG:  What is it, Jar Jar?

JAR JAR ROGERS:  There's a beena exposure of mooey mooey bad coronavirus at the jail!

YVONNE VENTRESS:  I'll send out an e-mail and tell the Sheriff to evacuate the jail and bring them all to 500 Jefferson immediately.

VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM:  Wait.  What?

CHIEF/VICE-ADMIRAL KING:  That sounds like a great plan.  Business as usual, as I always say.

EMPRESS OGG:  Peace out, people!  I'm heading to the bacta tank!  Let me know when the crisis is over!

BOBA CLAPPART:  What about your podium?

EMPRESS OGG:  There's no time!  Give it to Vivian!  She's in charge now!  Best of luck, everyone!

EMPRESS OGG PLUNGES INTO THE BACTA TANK, CLOSING THE LID BEHIND HER.  ACTING EMPRESS KING IMMEDIATELY TAKES EMPRESS OGG'S SEAT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  Boba Clappart!

BOBA CLAPPART:  Yes ma'am?

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  Put New Tom Berg in the carbon freezing chamber.  He can wait there until Empress Ogg comes out of the bacta tank.

BOBA CLAPPART grabs VICE-ADMIRAL MITCHAM by the arm and begins to lead him out.

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  It is now time to execute Order 66.  At last, we will reveal our full power to the Jawas.

COUNT MUSICK:  You mean the Jedi?

ACTING EMPRESS KING:  No, the Jawas.  We can't really do anything to the Jedi, but I can be mean as hell to the Jawas.  I'm the Mama Bear, dammit and I'm Board Certified.  Now, somebody bring me some of that espresso from my high dollar R2-D2 coffee maker . . .


SEE PREVIOUSLY

Episode One:  The Phantom Kimness

Episode Two:  Attack of the Clowns

Episode Three:  Revenge of the Fifth (Amendment)

Episode Four: A Glimmer of Hope



2 comments:

Thomas Hobbes said...

Dude, you have a little too much time on your hands.

Anonymous said...

I don't know who Vivian King is, but she sounds like a shrill bitch.