Thursday, May 29, 2008

Okay, I Can't Resist Either

Okay, I have to admit that I'm inspired by Leviathan's comments, and an earlier off-blog e-mail from Michael stating (in response to this Chronicle article) that he wasn't aware that Pat Lykos had already taken office.

I've decided to assist the Chronicle and re-write the Rat Snake Article for them. Here we go:

In a predictable move today, local attorney Lloyd Kelley filed suit against the Harris County Sheriff's Office, the District Attorney's Office, the Harris County Sanitation Department, and an unnamed Rat Snake for various and sundry civil rights violations committed against his clients, the Ibarra brothers.

"This snake is very similar to one that Sean and Erik saw in their front yard last Wednesday, when they were busy praying on their lawn for the FLDS kids as well as the victims of the Myanmar earthquake," Kelley stated. "Clearly, the snake is a sophisticated surveillance tool utilized by the Sheriff's Department to spy on my clients, who, by the way, have done nothing but pray since being awarded their $4 million from the county."

Community activist Quannel X was quick to join Kelley's call for justice, criticizing the snake: "As a community, we must demand better of our serpents. To even consider working in conjunction with Sheriff Tommy Thomas makes them no better than a snake in the grass."

Mr. X subsequently demanded that the snake be replaced with a Federal Turtle.

Harris County Criminal Lawyers Association President Mark Bennett hailed the discovery of the Rat Snake as "a strong and positive step towards Anarchy".

Defense Attorney Danalynn Recer, who is representing the unnamed Rat Snake was quick to release a report to the media stating that her client was not, in fact, a snake. Rather, her client was a bunny rabbit who only wanted to snuggle with children until it was discovered by District Attorney personnel. Recer clarified that the Rat Snake only became a snake when it suffered a panic attack after being taken into custody. "It perceived being taken into custody as a threat to it's safety. This snake, uh, rabbit, is clearly legally insane."

When interviewed from a holding cell at the Harris County Jail, the Rat Snake stated that it had not intended to do anything appropriate. It issued the following statement:

"Although I have enjoyed excellent treatment on the banks of Buffalo Bayou, I have come to learn that a particular combination of drugs prescribed for me in the past has caused some impairment in my judgment. Specifically, they made me think that living in closet in the CJC would be preferable to chasing rats on the bayou."

The Rat Snake also stated that he regarded the DELETE key on his computer as prey, which caused him to strike at it repeatedly.

Additional attorneys for the Rat Snake have demanded that it be removed from custody and returned to the CJC closet where it was living.

Democratic candidate for District Attorney, C.O. Bradford stated that the snake was welcome in his administration, but if the snake drew a Batson challenge, the snake would be brought before the Disciplinary Committee.

Republican candidate for District Attorney, Pat Lykos stated that she would support the snake being returned to the closet of the CJC if the snake was willing to follow the Rule of Law.


Mark Bennett said...

Red wine and Vicodin always make for inspired posts!

Ron in Houston said...

Free the snake, er I mean bunny.

Anonymous said...

JAGJO writes:

AHCL - You give good satire, my friend! LOL Bravo!!

MB - contrary, vodka and vicodin make for better posts. (shaken not stirred, topped off with a dash of paxil)

Mark Bennett said...

Jagjo, I was trying to start AHCL off easy (he thinks Bud Light is an alcoholic beverage) before introducing him to the really good stuff.